Thirty-Seven - Today Was Necessary. Today Things Changed.

Okay, so today was really yesterday in the title to this blog entry. I just didn't have a chance to update yesterday about it.

I had to borrow my mom's van yesterday morning to go to the college bookstore and Sheldon. I had to go to Sheldon to turn in the paperwork for Rowan to start going there in a few weeks and also to ask questions/sit down with the woman to discuss Rowan's therapy and his special needs. Every telephone conversation I've ever had with this woman, she's always said, "Oh you guys can come in anytime! We can sit down and talk, you can tour the center, Rowan can participate in some activities to break the ice, blah blah blah." Then when we get there she wasn't really any help at all. She was "busy" and there was no one to give us a tour. I asked if we could make an appointment for a later date and was told I didn't need one, again, I could come in at anytime. Um, what the hell is going on then? Haha. I was so annoyed walking out of there. The bookstore also didn't help me much, but whatever.

So after what I thought was a wasted trip/morning Rowan asked me if we could go to Walmart. Since we were in Oswego, I decided to go to the one there and started driving to the other side of the city. Just as we're pulling in the parking lot I looked up and saw the Dollar Tree store sign and remembered that Thane's sister, Abi, worked there. Then, randomly and suddenly this feeling came over me. I don't want to say that some sort of higher power got ahold of me, not just because I don't believe it, but also because that sounds really, really lame. Haha. But it was a strong, solid feeling nonetheless. I was going to pull into that store and take Rowan in. He was going to see his Aunt Abi. As I was getting out, I thought, "What are the chances she's even working right now anyway?" Indeed, she wasn't. But instead of continuing on with our original adventure to Walmart, I took out my phone and called Thane's brother, Alex. I didn't have any thought out purpose or intention, it's like my body/mind just did it. I mean, we get along with Alex and speak with him/see him, so maybe I was tricking myself, unknowingly, that I was acting "normal". As I got him on the phone I blurted out, "Is your mom home? Is Abi home? Great, can you keep them there until Rowan and I arrive?" And that is where I went. Willingly and without even understanding why. On the 10 minute drive over I tried convincing myself I was nervous, crazy, temporarily blinded, anything but sane and logical. I tried to make my stomach feel those bad feelings, because I should stick my ground, right? This was just setting the whole situation up for more trouble, of course. But my heart hurt, almost like an aching for something you'd long ago accepted as being gone forever. See? I just can't even explain it.

I get there and everything went fine. And I don't mean tolerable, I mean fine as in, I could see myself with them again. I wanted to see myself with them again. Insert desperately trying to conjure up bad thoughts, yet again. And I can't. I woke up this morning feeling the same way. Why? What happened? I can't say I've forgotten, or forgiven. Nor will I. But at the same time I couldn't control these random feelings that just literally "snapped on", I subconsciously thought, "None of it really matters that much anymore." This thought led to, "So what if I have a mother-in-law that's a little bat shit? A little manipulative? She isn't going to literally stab me. She can't literally control an outcome of my life. We can walk away! We're not all physically sewn together with real threaded seams."

Am I scared of the future? Absolutely. I'm scared of Rowan getting close to these family members and then being let down or hurt by them. I'm scared that Thane will be let down or hurt by them. I'm scared that we will look silly if the joke is on us. How foolish we'll feel if we put ourselves in a position where we basically allow ourselves to be hurt or manipulated or taken advantage of or talked badly about behind our backs. But I can't live storing predictions of "what ifs" in my pockets.

I won't talk about the past, with any of them. Because new relationships will be formed. Will they be successful this time? I have no idea, but it's only possible if we throw the old out the window and begin again.

- "If I could tell the world just one thing, it would be that we're all okay, and not to worry because worry is wasteful and useless in times like these. I won't be made useless. I won't be idle with despair."