Thirty-Four - More Camping? Sure!

I've been miserable and moody for like the whole past week. I'm not PMSing, so I have no idea why I feel so crappy. I think it's just a mix of low self esteem/self worth and stress? Ha, hello pathetic.

Anyway, we're leaving to go camping tomorrow afternoon until Sunday. It's my mom's birthday weekend and she wanted everyone to go. I hope that she and her boyfriend don't drive me crazy. They are always trying to control my reactions/emotions/attitude. It's hard to explain. My mom also overrides me all the time. Like, I'll give a "yes or no" answer to something regarding Rowan and she'll be like, "Oh, it's fine Jami!" or "Hm, no I don't think he should do that" and when I speak up and remind her that I'm the parent, she tells me I'm being dramatic and she'll say something like, "Oh enough. Just stop. It's not a big deal" Urgh. Just thinking about it makes me cringe because I know this exact situation is going to happen probably at least 10 times this weekend. It is a big deal, Mom, because what I say goes, period. No matter how much you disagree with my parenting skills (which by the way I KNOW there's nothing wrong with). Also, the place we're going is like a private camp, so the sites are stupid expensive and there's not even a beach or swimming! And the lady put us on this spot called "10T", which is like right behind site 10, which is for a camper, which is where my mom is. Then two other couples who are friends of the family (Bob & Kelly LaRock and Jim & Pat Marra [the high school librarian]) are on sites 11 and 12. So I was telling Mom how tight of a space it is behind her and how we'll really have to utilize all of the site for our stuff and she was all like, "Well I was planning on using the back space. I mean, we can figure it out when we get there. We'll just find a place to stick your tent, whatever" No, Mom, we paid $78 for our friggin site for just 3 nights, we're going to use our space however we want. I also told her that the woman who booked me told me that there was a person occupying site "11T", so she'll have to be conscious of them and she just has this "Oh, whatever, it will be fine if we cross into their site" attitude. She's just so oblivious sometimes. Their the kind of people who think the whole word loves to drink beer and get drunk. She, for some unknown reason, can't fathom that there are actually people who like to experience life sober and peacefully.

Wow, I'm so going to have a good time, huh? Hahaha

Sometimes I feel like there are people that need to be called out, but I would never be the one to do it. Because then it would just explode into some drama fest that I have no desire to attend. Blah blah blah.

I miss Silver and the girls. Vinny too, I guess. Hahaha.

I'm nervous about taking Riley camping. I hope she likes it.

I would really like to get together with Michaela soon. Her aunt lives right around the corner from me, so that's cool. I can remember her laugh and it makes me want to squeeze her.

Okay, DONE. I guess.

Thirty-Three - Finally Going to Admit I'm Lost

I keep saying things will change. I make a solid promise in my mind that tomorrow will be a new day. And then it's not. I am finally going to admit, I'm lost. Every time I see myself, I'm bigger and bigger. My BMI is probably unbelieveable. I don't just weigh a lot, I'm BIG. I was in denial for a long time, and now that I'm actually "waking up", I feel like there's no way to possibly "get back" alone. Like, now I don't feel in control of just fixing this, fixing me, independently. I was just saying this to a friend. I know it's going to be a long, long road back. I know it will be slow and it will take every ounce of fight and effort and energy to do it, but I don't know HOW. I can only hear so many "You have to eat different" or "You have to go to the gym" statements. I understand what I inevitably have to do to maintain good health. I have no clue how to get from here, where I am today, to that lifestyle.

Thirty-Two - Camping and Rowan's First Therapy Session

I guess I could probably update now. We went camping last weekend in the Adirondacks at Fish Creek Pond with the Rosato family. We had a lot of fun! We left Saturday morning after dropping Riley off at the kennel and were on the road at about 8:45 a.m. We stopped for breakfast in Watertown and I think we ended up arriving at camp around 1:30? It didn't take Thane long to set up the tent (we love it!). Silver's parent's campsite was a comfortable walk away. We spent two days just eating, walking, and hanging out. The kids got to swim quite a bit on Sunday and Rowan loved that. At the Rusaw family's camp we played Hit or Miss and I really liked that game. Timeout - I hate when I do this. I do something eventful (like a vacation/trip/adventure/whatever), and then I come home and only briefly summarize the trip. I do it every time. I'll just say we had a great time and I miss Silver! I'm pretty sure on Sunday we're going to their house and we're all going to try and go to CiCi's.

Rowan has his first therapy session today. They just called me yesterday and told me. Thanks short notice. A woman will be coming here every Thursday from 11:15 to 11:45 and then every Friday from 9:45 to 10:15. The woman asked if we had pets and then expressed concern because she has allergies. Excuse me, but um wtf? What does telling me that even mean? What do you expect me to do? If it's that big of a problem, get a different job lady. Perhaps you shouldn't have a job that requires you to go to people's houses that have pets, which is normal (seriously, she acted so disappointed and like almost disgusted that we dare have animals). I hope I like her better in person. More importantly, I hope Rowan likes her. I hope she will really work with him in ways that will benefit him.

It's 10:15 now, which means she'll be here in an hour, so I suppose I should start getting prepared.

Thirty-One - Oh Life. Decisions, Decisions

So, of course, after making the decision to go back to school and becoming fully enrolled, I get the opportunity to become employed by the state at SUNY Oswego. Haha. Thank you, life. If I would have gotten this offer four months ago, I would have jumped on it, without any doubts. It is a keyboarding specialist job and the pay starts at $27,744, full-time, with benefits. That is good starting pay for only having an associate's degree for now. But it would require me to send Rowan to preschool/day care full-time, resulting in it costing $560 a month for the place he has to go where he will get his therapy, rather than him only have to go two full days a week at $208 a month. So that is a negative. Another negative is that the keyboarding specialist tier I job caps at about $35,000 (and then about $47,000 at tier II). When I become a teacher I would hope that I would surpass that amount in my career, plus I would be doing something I've always wanted to do. I guess what it comes down to is that I have to ask myself, do I want to jump into the unknown, go through 2-3 more years of school, add up WAY more student loan debt and then hope the market is good enough to land me a nice teaching position when I'm done? Or do I want to be "unselfish" and take the guaranteed income NOW, without adding on any more debt, but with the possibility of reaching a salary cap that leaves us in trouble years from now (who knows what the economy will be like when Rowan goes to college, for example) and/or provides me with job duties that leave me feeling unfulfilled? Working at the college in an office or teaching will offer me similar benefits being a state employee, no matter what state I'm in. Taking a job here in Oswego County as a NYS public employee would mean we would probably stick around the area, since transferring out to a different area would be difficult (leaving the state would be impossible). There really aren't a lot of opportunities for Thane with a degree in Hotel & Restaurant Management around here. Not for what he's looking for at least. So more negatives.

Gah. It sounds like I've got my mind made up, right? I wish it would feel that simple in my head. I think just the thought of "instant gratification" knocking on my door is making me have small second thoughts. But I guess that's normal. It isn't easy to think about walking away from almost doubling our household income (I would start out at close to what Thane makes now after he's been there three years), just to follow a dream that is going to take time. I've never been very good at following real dreams, so I think it's probably time I don't just put on a brave mask, but instead, actually become the word. I can do this and it will pay off in the long run. Just have to keep fighting to get there.

Thirty - Second Update on Rowan's Evaluation

So, I spoke to the specialist again today and they're pretty confident Rowan has a condition called Sensory Integration Dysfunction (or the newer name for it is Sensory Processing Disorder). The treatment for it is still Occupational Therapy and he will be undergoing therapy strategies that are sometimes used with children who are autistic. I will be attending a meeting in the next couple of weeks to go over all of this and set up his therapy, along with his IEP. Wow, it all sort of makes sense now. They said it's something that should have been looked into awhile ago. With his constantly higher than normal body temperature and the way he eats should have provided early signs, even without all of the other symptoms.

I'll just provide two links, because it's all still a lot for me:

http://www.incrediblehorizons.com/sensory-integration.htm

http://www.spdfoundation.net/index.html

Twenty-Nine - Rowan's OT Evaluation

Rowan had his Occupational Evaluation today. He was such a good boy. He did score below average on almost everything, especially in the sensory skills section, which we expected. He scored mostly average in the fine motor skills area. He has sensory skills overload.

I don't remember if I explained what occupational therapy does. Occupational is split into two groups: fine motor skills and sensory skills (which ranges from the five senses to emotions and mental). He scored average on many of the fine motor skills tests, but below average on the sensory skills, which is what we expected. He has hyperactive senses. He's a picky eater and prefers to eat bland and/or soft foods. He'll eat potato chips and stuff like that, but when it comes to meal times, he prefers less complex foods, such as applesauce, yogurt, pasta without the sauce, etc. He also has to smell a lot of things. He gets overly emotional over things (crying during adult movies as if he understands the concept) and has temper tantrums. Not because he's just misbehaving or anything, but if he can't get something to go his way during independent play (such as not being able to get a spiderman toy figure to bend his legs an EXACT way), or if he attempts something and isn't successful, he'll have a breakdown/meltdown. Because his sensory skills are different than other children's, in order to calm him down we may need to do things like, hold him really close and really tight and apply a blanket for pressure until he calms down, or lay with him on a cool floor (thank god we have hardwoods) with our faces on the floor so he can feel the temperature change sensation, which then triggers a calming feeling. It's hard sometimes, but we love him all the more just because he's NOT like other kids. To us it makes him more special. They tell us that's why he likes music so much, because of sensory reasons. He also has trouble focusing and following directions. Not because of behavior (yet again), but because he's so easily distracted. They say he is REALLY smart and has trouble concentrating on one thing. So the therapy is supposed to help him with his focus and with helping him find his own, independent ways of adapting and coping with a sensory overload. Because, you know, Mommy and Daddy can't always be there with a blanket and we can't go out in public and have to explain to people why we're lying on the floor in the middle of an aisle (yes we've had to do this a couple times) when he's 14 years old. People don't even understand now! They sometimes thinks he's just bratty or misbehaving (he actually behaves MARVELOUSLY) or they probably think we're just freaks. Anyway, if they begin therapy early, hopefully when he's older, it will be hard for an outsider/stranger to see that he sometimes "feels" or "reacts" differently to some situations. There's so much more too, but I'm tired from talking about it with the specialists today. Ha.

On another note, a friend "broke up" with me, I guess. It confuses me. Because to me, either you like someone enough/care about them enough and are interested enough in having them in your life as a friend, or your not. So if they're not, then you'd think they could just be a "mean" person and fess up to that, rather than have to have reasons or excuses as to why "it's not working". Or something like that. I don't know. Honestly, it just isn't as big of a deal to me as it might have been a few months ago.

Twenty-Eight - I Think I Got It This Time

I did one small thing today that I'm really proud of. I analyzed it, like always, and then overanalyzed it, like always, and with a little help I finally saw it. For real, the whole picture. I think next time I'll be able to walk even further away.