Fifty-Five

Rowan just saw a picture of Harriet Beecher Stowe on my Kindle screen saver (I don't get to pick them) and said: "That's Grandma!!!"

Fifty-Four

Rowan trying to justify being able to do something we told him not to do: "Mom! I'm a big boy, I'm seventeen!"

Fifty-Three

Rowan told us a story at dinner: "I was just reaching for the iPad, and some guy hit my hand away, and then he hit me in the face, and then he shot me..." Us: "Uhhh, yeah?" Rowan: "...Yeah! And then I tried to boom him, but he wouldn't die." Two things: 1. We don't own an iPad nor has he ever been near one. 2. He really is this dramatic all the time.

Fifty-Two

Omgggg. Rowan is playing with a tiny little toy washer and he's saying, "You put the clothes in the washer and now you need 'oxoclean'. You need winning 'oxoclean!" If only we got paid every time he endorses a toy as a real prodcut of his during imaginary play.

Fifty-One

Rowan's first ever letter to Santa:

Dear Santa,

Thank you. Thank you for presents. Maybe I can help you next year. I can show you karate kicks! What do you want for your birthday? I love you.

♥ Rowan

Fifty

I took a cracker from Rowan and he yelled at me by saying, "Mommy! There's NO swiping on Christmas!! Now you're on the naughty list!" Thank you NickJr for playing the Dora Christmas special every day since November.

Forty-Nine

Rowan selected "The Fast and the Furious" on Netflix all by himself to watch. I forgot how bad that movie is, in more ways than one. I told him he had to turn it off because it wasn't a good movie for little kids. So what does he pick next? "Rush Hour 2" because he recognized "JACKIE CHAN??!!" on the picture for it. Hahahaha. He loves Jackie Chan. I'm serious.

Forty-Eight

Rowan: "Daddy, can you help me with my itch?" Thane: "Where's your itch?" Rowan: "My butt!"

Forty-Seven

Rowan seems upset that Daddy doesn't want a hockey mask for Christmas. "You don't want a hockey mask?!!" Hahaha.

Forty-Six

Rowan's hair, for some reason, decided to REALLY fluff up when it dried after his bath this evening. When I told him we'd have to do something with it before school tomorrow, he said, "No, Mom! It looks like Bakugan's!!"

It really does.

http://images2.fanpop.com/images/photos/4300000/BAKUGAN-bakugan-battle-brawlers-4381670-800-600.jpg

Forty-Five

Rowan: "Dad, you gonna put my food in the green bowl? The green bowl Dad? The greeeeen boooowwwwlllll?" Thane: "Yes." Rowan: "Aw thanks, Dad, you're a GENIUS!!!"

Forty-Four

Rowan: "Mom?" Me: "Yeah, Hunny?" Rowan: "You're the best girl in the world."

.

I'm doing okay. Not really a "healthy okay", I know, because I'm only okay if I don't talk about it. I've been kind of avoiding everyone. I'll get there and be okay, but I'm still just frozen. Part of me wants to get out and surround myself with family because I need people that knew her and knew how much I loved her. And then the other part of me just sits here, unable to move, or face everyone. I keep reminding myself I'm not the only one who has gone through this, but I can't get my head to function rationally yet. I think it's also a little bit difficult for me with there being no services or memorial. So it's kind of like, "well, what happens now/next?" I feel like something else should be happening. It can't just be that simple. One day she's here, and then she's not, and the whole world just keeps on moving. I already feel left behind.

Betty L. Whalen

October 12, 2010 - 12:40 p.m.

Rest in peace, Grandma. I love you. So much.

"Somewhere out there, beneath the pale moonlight, someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight. Somewhere out there, someone's saying a prayer that we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there. And even though I know how very far apart we are, it helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star. And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby, it helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky."

Forty-Three - It's Killing Me Not to See Them

Got a package from Grandma and Grandpa today. The best part about it was opening it up and discovering every little thing inside smells like them. I stuck my nose in a shirt and baseball cap and cried for 10+ minutes.

When I talked to her last weekend she said she was going well. She actually sounded it. She sounded so much healthier, not weak or tired. She's still doing treatments. Two weeks on, one week off. I'm scared for the next scan.

Forty-Two - Everybody Wants to Rule The World

This week is my last week as a full-time stay at home mom. Wow. Next Monday Rowan goes to preschool. Which means that this week is the last week, ever, that he and I will spend all our days together. I am going to cry so hard after I drop him off. I just have to make sure he doesn't see. Haha.

I seriously have no idea why my sister-in-law (and thus my brother) thinks it's okay to go FOUR weeks without speaking to me. Over nothing. No, I'm serious, nothing. She's (they're) the one wasting time. They're not seeing their nephew, and they're wasting time not loving a family member and just sharing life with them. Why don't I step up and be the bigger person? Why don't I go ahead and break the silence? Oh, because I do it every fucking time. It got tiring. A repetition with no movement of a real resolve.

I hope when classes begin I become motivated to write in here at least once, every day. I want to, believe me. I have enough to say, but I'm not used to being open again. It'll come slowly.

Forty-One - Rowan Loves Rihanna

I turned down the radio in the car while trying to talk to Thane. Rihanna's "Rude Boy" was on. Rowan yells "Hey hey hey, turn that back up!" and starts singing along. When should I start being concerned about the lyrics he's subconsciously storing the vocabulary from? Hahaha.

Anyway, Rowan was very good at the store tonight. Now he's having a late night snack. His Dannimal's Crush Cup that he's been waiting "forever" (one day) to get because he loves the commercial. <3

Forty - Googling My Blog

Interestingly enough, someone (location: Rochester, NY) googled the term "jami goldberg fulton blog" to find this and read it. Ha. It must have been after I updated Facebook with a status saying I needed to update my blog. I'll just leave it at this: if that person comes back to my blog and reads this and then wants to message me on FB and let me know why they felt compelled to visit, they can feel free to do so. Otherwise, I'll just think they're weird.

Thirty-Nine - Trying Not To Suck

I know, I know. Let's just clear the air between us, blog. I neglected you. I came to visit, but you never knew, and now I suppose you hate me. Well, get over it, because sometimes I suck. I just do. I am trying hard not to, though, so here I am.

I had so much to say, and now I don't know where to begin, or whether I want to annoyingly recount the past couple of weeks in a not-enough-detail kind of list. That's what I get, I guess. So I suppose I will do the list, literally.

1. The last time I updated, Wednesday, July 28th, we went to my mother-in-law's house for the three year anniversary of Tex's death. It was a good time. Rowan got to go swimming and everyone was there.

2. We went back out to hang out on Saturday. We brought Apples to Apples and Hit or Miss and Connie, Alex, Abi, Thane, and I all played both of them for hours. After that we all, minus Connie but plus Rowan, decided it would be a cool idea to forgo dinner and go "ice cream shop hopping" instead. You know, sort of like bar hopping. We went to Hershey's, the Gelato place, Mom and Pop's, and Cold Stone. We actually only got ice cream at Hershey's. Haha. Rowan had a superman ice cream that was really delicious. Just really bright, colorful ice cream that tasted just like that Zebra Stripes gum or whatever it's called. Thane actually did get a small serving of gelato, but it was disgusting, so he gave it to Alex, I think. At Mom & Pop's, I got a Shirley Temple and the worst tasting lemonade ever. Alex and Thane got root beer floats. At Cold Stone, we were "sweetened out" so we got real food from Tim Horton's, which is in the same building. Haha. Their wraps are surprisingly good. On the way home, Jason Derulo's "In My Head" came on. I turned it up loud and every one of us sang it at the top of our lungs. Even Rowan. I love moments like that. It was silly, but we bonded.

3. Last week not too much happened. I got a new phone, the Samsung Captivate. But I didn't like it, so it's on it's way back and just today I ordered the new Blackberry Torch 9800. Yay. I was getting tired of certain things with Blackberry, but this new phone actually takes care of most of that, so I'm pretty stoked. The Captivate was awful, for me. In general, as a phone, it had amazing features. The SWYPE feature was ridiculous and if my new phone came with that feature I'd declare it the best phone on the market (I hate the iPhone). But the Captivate just didn't cut it for me for three main reasons. a. The battery wouldn't last a full day on a full charge. b. Pre-loaded apps (ones that you cannot delete off the phone) would start up on their own. I had downloaded an "app killer" tool, but it was still annoying to have to use it literally every 15 minutes or so. And finally, c. I couldn't receive email/Facebook notifications in real time. This wasn't a killer, but it was still annoying. Let's hope I love the Torch. Ha.

4. This last Saturday, Abi and Connie came over to visit with us. We all went to dinner at Mimi's and hated on the waitress. Haha.

5. Sunday we went to check out a new sofa and chair at Raymour & Flanigan. We spent hours in there. It wasn't easy trying to peruse each room of styles when Rowan made a game of taking off running down the whole length of the building. Haha. So I'd say we spent 70% of the time chasing Rowan and 30% actually testing out pieces. We ended up leaving having picked out the perfect couch, but did not like the chair that matched it, so we were planning on searching for a separate piece that would still compliment it nicely. Halfway to Silver and Vinny's we realized the couch wouldn't work for us. Haaa. We're retarded. This was the one we originally picked out: http://www.raymourflanigan.com/catalog/details.asp?Cat_ID=9&ID=6061#AboveTabs. It was the most comfortable reclining sofa we've ever sat in, nice and wide reclining sides. We realized, though, that if we both use the recliners, Rowan would have no way of climbing up onto the couch, nor a place to just sit normally. So we called our sales rep back and put our second choice on hold. The second set is almost as comfortable (close enough that nothing else in the showroom compared to both our picks) and we chose the loveseat as the second piece, rather than the chair. We have the space for it, so why not. Plus, the loveseat comes with an awesome console in the center for organization, plus storage underneath! Sofa here: http://www.raymourflanigan.com/catalog/details.asp?Cat_ID=9&ID=99046#AboveTabs, loveseat here: http://www.raymourflanigan.com/catalog/details.asp?Cat_ID=9&ID=99047#AboveTabs. We chose the color "Cafe". The pieces do not look that shiny/weirdly contrasting in person. The sofa was on sale, not the loveseat, but our guy said he would give us the sale price on the loveseat too. He's also giving us no interest until 2012! If anyone wants furniture in this area, I'd recommend John Glinsky at Raymour & Flanigan. He's been great so far. Anyway, we are going to put 20% down as soon as my refund check comes in, and then finance the rest. So we should have our new comfy furniture within a month. :] Now just to find someone who wants to buy our gently used set we have now.

6. As I mentioned above, Sunday we also went to Silver and Vinny's. Silver recreated the meal she made in France at her cooking class. I didn't try the veggie stuff, but Thane liked it. It was our first time having risotto, I loved it! Thane also loved the olive tapenade, but I just loved the bread. Haha. I have a carb problem. It was sooooo nice to see everyone. It had been way too long, for me, between seeing them. I seriously cannot wait to get a car, although with Silver starting school, we're still not going to get to see each other. :[

7. Monday we revisited Rowan's school. Found out who his teacher will be (a young-ish girl named Joelle). Also found out that they're placing him in a real preschool program, rather than just the "preschool structured daycare" program. I was so ecstatic. We also went to Lowe's and made our first official "home improvement" purchase. We just bought wood to make some shelves in the weird closet cabinet in our kitchen, so that it will be a pantry. Whatever, we were still proud.

Okay, I'll stop with the lists now. This week is Rowan's last week with Miss Colleen because the summer school ends. I know he will miss her. Today she was very affectionate with him, giving him lots of hugs, and I can tell that she doesn't want her time with him to end either. I wish he could just go to Little Lukes and be with her all the time. Maybe he will get to see her again next summer? I don't know.

I haven't talked to my brother, or Jenn, in three weeks. Jenn got "irritated" (her word) with me for canceling our last camping trip because of the storm system that was going to be coming through the area (the one that flooded Fulton's streets). I don't even understand why she got upset in the first place, other than just acting like a brat. They were going to go regardless of us canceling, so what was the big deal? Also, I never even invited her to go camping with us anyway. She learned of our reservations and said, "Oh, I'm going to check and see if they have any other sites for the same weekend!" Okay, that's fine. What am I going to do, tell her she can't go camping? It just wasn't a big deal, all around, at all. But she's holding some sort of weird grudge or something, so that means Nick is too. Boo. I'm not even going to bother this time. I'm always the one who breaks the silence and "let's it go" or whatever. It gets tiring after awhile when I shouldn't need to do that.

I wish the perfect vehicle would just become available. Ugh. We might be looking at a van this week, but now I doubt it, so we'll see.

I'm getting nervous/anxious about school. Rowan begins going to preschool in a week and a half. I know I'm going to cry my eyes out leaving him. The week after he goes, I go. I just hope I don't get too ridiculously overloaded with the three english classes I am taking. Yeah, I am specializing in English, but they say that three in one semester is still a lot. This is my best subject, obviously, so I think I'll do fine.

Okay, time to get going I suppose. I believe we're going over to visit Thane's family when he gets out of work today. Then this weekend we are cleaning, catching up on shows, installing the shelves in the pantry, and relaxing! Possibly going to IHop. Rowan keeps seeing a commercial and has been begging to go. Haha.

THERE. AN UPDATE. :] I do feel better now.

Thirty-Eight - Three Years

The anniversary of someone's death is always a day you just feel different. You can never just have a normal day or go about your business. You feel frozen, while the rest of the world goes on. Celebrating birthdays or wedding anniversaries, the start of a vacation, pay day. And you're just stuck reliving the day it happened. The phone call, the way your knees crumpled, the awful sound that pushed it's way past your lips, violently, as it fought with the lump in your throat. That lump - so giant, so heavy as it moves to your chest and sits like a rock on your heart. It took a long time not to live that day on repeat, and we'll all never escape it completely.

Charles Martin Goldberg, you sure are missed. There's a slight breeze today and often on days like this I breathe it in deep. I pretend that I understand the world and that I know it all. That pieces of you really could exist, somewhere. Not just the things you left behind, but things such as your smell, the same texture as the pads of your fingers, the same color as the warm, deep tone of your voice. These things couldn't have just disappeared too. Someday I will find them. I will reconnect these pieces and in some way, some form, you will be there.