Twenty - Something Needs To Change

How is it that I always manage to avoid how big I am? It's getting ridiculous. Like I look down at parts of my body, say some simple part, like my wrist. And then I see my wrist in a picture and I'm like, "Oh, okay swollen, disgusting mess, cool." Something needs to change. I've tried. I really have. I've tried diets, exercise, fasting (which I know is unhealthy and ineffective in the long run), signing up on internet sites, etc. Blah blah blah. Every time I go to count calories I'm always under the "diet" suggestions. I really don't eat that much. I've been the same weight for a long time. I just don't know how to get it off. I don't have the time or money for the gym. Not to mention I can't even get myself to go somewhere like that without freaking out. I know I should be doing a lot more exercising at home and that there's lots to do in my own home, I just really don't know HOW to exercise. Like, the right way. I know that's pathetic. But it's true. Before I got sick I never had to worry about my weight or eating. I know that if I can just lose it, it will stay gone.

Okay. I'm done being a baby now.

Nineteen - Father's Day 2010

Today we spent the afternoon and Silver and Vinny's. We had a great time, like always. Rowan and I made Thane a father's day card. It was a "D" with arms, legs, googly eyes and monster teethies. Haha. We also bought him a headset for his xbox, so now he and Vinny can talk to each other while playing video games. I thought it might put a stop to Vinny calling late all the time. Nope. Haha. I'm kidding. It doesn't bother me. I swear, though, the guys crack me up. The other day Vinny put Thane on speaker phone and then talked to him while he was in the shower! Hahahaha.

Today was also Silver's sister, Karina's birthday, so I made cupcakes. I got to meet her parents and both of her sisters. She has a really nice family. Their teasing banter is cute and it was nice to see a family cooking together and then just being together, happily. My family gets together a lot for holidays, but not very often "just because". I can't get my mom to come over here and hang out. It's frustrating sometimes.

I really can't say enough how much I adore The Rosato family. Gracie asked me today if I loved her and I said yes. Then when we left she said "I love youuuu", even though she likes to call me every name in the book besides my own. Haha. Madalyn gave me kissies and brushed my hair. Rowan and Gracie didn't even fight today! Rowan fell asleep on the car ride home so we put him in bed. After 15 minutes we heard him crying really hard. "Madalyn and Gracie!!" Thane went in there and was like, "What's wrong, Buddy?" and he said, "Where's my Madalyn and Gracie? I need them" and it was so cute. My heart hurt a little bit. He really does love having them as friends.

This coming Wednesday and Thursday I have my school orientation. I'm sort of annoyed that they're actually making me attend the whole thing. It's silly. I'm 26 years old. I'm not going to befriend some high school senior/incoming freshman. I just want to meet my advisor, get all the last minute details straightened out and get my schedule. Not do workshops in which I have to introduce myself and play some childish game. Ha.

I'm downloading an 80's movie pack. It has like 50 movies in it and is 57 gigs. Holy. I can't believe how many I have never even seen! I'm super excited. Haha.

Eighteen - Spiders & Toy Story 3

I slept okay last night. Probably better than I have in quite a few days. Ever since my bad nightmare. I was starting to get back on track, but then after the spider incident, I've been so creeped out everywhere I go in the house. A couple of days ago I was in Rowan's room and I was taking care of his laundry. I looked up and saw this black shadow on the curtain and I went to grab at it, certain that it was a piece of candy or other sticky food Rowan had wiped on it. As I pulled the curtain apart, I heard this awful "crackling" sound and when I turned it around to see the back of it, I saw that I had broken open a spider nest! I just got shivers. The momma spider freaked out and reared up at me, flailing her legs. She was pretty big. It took me a long time to kill her and then I sprayed the nest (because some of the babies were alive!) with some perfume. In the middle of all of this I took a bathroom break to puke. Haha. I'm afraid of everything! Then as I was straightening out the other curtain, I spotted another one! I didn't disturb it and made Thane take care of that one when he got home. We had to go around and check all the curtains, windows, everywhere. I was paranoid we were being infested. Poor Rowan, I'm glad I found them before they hatched. OMG, ew.

We're going to take Rowan to the drive-in tonight to see Toy Story 3. It's all he's been talking about. Thane told him on Monday about going, so he's been impatient. Then last night he wouldn't go to bed, so Thane was like "Rowan, you have to be a good boy and go to sleep because tomorrow is Toy Story 3 day", so of course Rowan was all like, "Okay!!!" Haha. He woke up this morning and said we had to go and I asked him where and he said, "Toy Story 3, Mommy. Daddy said so!" so now I've finally gotten him to understand that we have to wait for Daddy to come home.

I thought I wanted to write more, but I've taken a few breaks from writing this, and now I just want to give up. Haha.

Seventeen - Lately

Thane and I have been hanging out with Silver and Vinny quite a bit. We really, really like them. I'm glad Thane and Vinny get along so well. Thane needed a real friend. Another family guy. A guy who works hard, is nice, and funny, and into things that he is into. They like each other so much that they called and talked to each other at 6am this morning. Hahaha.

Rowan really loves Gracie and Madalyn. He always asks to see them and talks about them when they're not around.

We're going to be going camping with them soon, for the weekend of July 4th. It's going to be so much fun. I'm excited because A. we'll be getting away from home and B. we'll get to spend all day with the four of them and then they'll be there when we wake back up in the morning. Haha. I love them.

Seriously, I have no idea how Silver and I haven't been friends before. She's a really amazing girl. (Quick sidenote: I've always hated calling females "woman" or "lady" if they're my age. I mean, I know we're adults now and keep getting older, but I refer to myself as "girl" and I like everyone else to be too. Whatever) Anyway, it's kind of nice to be friends now, because now she's an "adult friend". A real friend. Like I feel like we could be real friends for a long time and that's nice because I have been needed an adult friend. Make sense? I don't know.

I changed the living room around today. It took me 3 and a half hours. Haha. Our furniture is heavy! Plus Rowan was being a terror. I hope Thane will be suprised. :]

Sixteen - Wake Up and Realize

Talking with someone recently has opened up my eyes to a lot of things. Not that they were closed, but I could feel them getting to that point. I could feel myself losing myself again. It's silly. I know who I am. I know my flaws, my strengths, my quirks, my morals, my likes and dislikes. Yet sometimes I hide them, or blur them, alter them a little. I'm not perfect, but here's something I have over a lot of others: I know what really makes me who I am. I'm okay with laying it all on the table, and if I'm not good enough for someone to care about or be interested in, then that's okay. I have a lot of qualities that a lot of people find weird. I have anxiety. I stress. But I know how to manage it and all I can do is live life the way that works for me.

These messages back and forth and a possible future real friendship is something nice to look forward to. I'm getting to know someone who has a lot in common with me, but is also different. The things we have in common are the important things. The things we feel hold us back from being good friends with people.

I don't know how to explain it, but I don't necessarily need to. It's just nice to feel relieved that another human being can relate to what you thought made you an outsider.

Fifteen - Teddy Tedholm Will Win SYTYCD

I'm not sure if I can download a video from YouTube, so instead I'll just be lazy and supply you with the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cw_-SpSGxW8&feature=related

This boy is brilliant.

There have only been one or two times where I have watched someone dance and let myself getting completely lost and immersed in the performance to the point where I find myself making up my own story about the dance. This was one of them.

The dance to me represented a young man preparing for a funeral. He's partly in denial, he's nervous and distraught, he doesn't want this to be happening. He's all dressed up and ready, but before he can walk out the door he rebels against leaving and attending this funeral. He rips off his jacket, loosens his tie, in a way that says "you can't make me if I don't wanna/I'm not ready." Then the young man fights with himself. He beats himself up over what he's been trying to prepare himself for, he has fits of hysteria and battles with his grieving. Finally, defeated, he falls to the floor. He grabs his jacket, because he knows what he has to do, that he has no choice, and he knows there's no use fighting it.

So so so so moving.

Fourteen - Memorial Day Weekend

I think this was the first memorial day weekend that we didn't attend one cook out or BBQ! No one in my family wanted to/could get together. So we were expecting to just sit at home, board, and hungry for yummy family picnic food. This is essentially what ended up happening, but with a couple of activities throughout the weekend. Thane had a three day weekend. Normally he works most holidays and then banks the hours for a later day off of our choice, but this time his work made all of the employees to take the day off. No big deal.

So Friday night we took Rowan to watch the fireworks over the lake here in town. He loved them. He kept saying there was "booming in the sky". Saturday morning we got up and walked to the parade. Rowan wasn't as interested in it as he was last year. There was a lot of "boring" stuff this year and I think he's just at that age where things need to be "exciting!". About halfway through we decided to abandon ship and walked to the war memorial where they were serving food. I got a grilled burger and homemade fries while Thane got a grilled chicken dinner with salt potatoes and Rowan had a hot dog and shared my fries. So we sort of got our cookout food (though it still wasn't as yummy as it would have been had my family done it). We didn't have any cash on us and there was no ATM machine close by, so Rowan wasn't able to ride any of the rides at the carnival set up behind the war memorial. We thought maybe we'd bring him back on Sunday to ride some, but he forgot all about it and that was fine with us.

Other than that we spend a lot of time in the backyard. We got Rowan a big plastic pool and filled that up for him. He really loved that.

I got my new camera lens in the mail on Friday! I experimented with it and took some pictures of the fireworks, parade, and Rowan playing in his pool. I'll make another post with pictures in the next couple of days after I sort through them all.

Thane's classes start tomorrow. That means I have to start helping cook meals. Haha. I just hate cooking! Thane is good at it and he likes to cook, so we've just fallen into a pattern where he's the cook. We get picked on all the time for it, but whatever. Who says women have to cook? Dumb.

Thane has a dentist appointment this afternoon. Then when he gets home we're heading to Rowan's first t-ball night. I hope he likes it. He'll be the boy who stands on the field singing/dancing/doing anything but paying attention to the game. I know it. Haha.