Thirty-Eight - Three Years

The anniversary of someone's death is always a day you just feel different. You can never just have a normal day or go about your business. You feel frozen, while the rest of the world goes on. Celebrating birthdays or wedding anniversaries, the start of a vacation, pay day. And you're just stuck reliving the day it happened. The phone call, the way your knees crumpled, the awful sound that pushed it's way past your lips, violently, as it fought with the lump in your throat. That lump - so giant, so heavy as it moves to your chest and sits like a rock on your heart. It took a long time not to live that day on repeat, and we'll all never escape it completely.

Charles Martin Goldberg, you sure are missed. There's a slight breeze today and often on days like this I breathe it in deep. I pretend that I understand the world and that I know it all. That pieces of you really could exist, somewhere. Not just the things you left behind, but things such as your smell, the same texture as the pads of your fingers, the same color as the warm, deep tone of your voice. These things couldn't have just disappeared too. Someday I will find them. I will reconnect these pieces and in some way, some form, you will be there.

Thirty-Seven - Today Was Necessary. Today Things Changed.

Okay, so today was really yesterday in the title to this blog entry. I just didn't have a chance to update yesterday about it.

I had to borrow my mom's van yesterday morning to go to the college bookstore and Sheldon. I had to go to Sheldon to turn in the paperwork for Rowan to start going there in a few weeks and also to ask questions/sit down with the woman to discuss Rowan's therapy and his special needs. Every telephone conversation I've ever had with this woman, she's always said, "Oh you guys can come in anytime! We can sit down and talk, you can tour the center, Rowan can participate in some activities to break the ice, blah blah blah." Then when we get there she wasn't really any help at all. She was "busy" and there was no one to give us a tour. I asked if we could make an appointment for a later date and was told I didn't need one, again, I could come in at anytime. Um, what the hell is going on then? Haha. I was so annoyed walking out of there. The bookstore also didn't help me much, but whatever.

So after what I thought was a wasted trip/morning Rowan asked me if we could go to Walmart. Since we were in Oswego, I decided to go to the one there and started driving to the other side of the city. Just as we're pulling in the parking lot I looked up and saw the Dollar Tree store sign and remembered that Thane's sister, Abi, worked there. Then, randomly and suddenly this feeling came over me. I don't want to say that some sort of higher power got ahold of me, not just because I don't believe it, but also because that sounds really, really lame. Haha. But it was a strong, solid feeling nonetheless. I was going to pull into that store and take Rowan in. He was going to see his Aunt Abi. As I was getting out, I thought, "What are the chances she's even working right now anyway?" Indeed, she wasn't. But instead of continuing on with our original adventure to Walmart, I took out my phone and called Thane's brother, Alex. I didn't have any thought out purpose or intention, it's like my body/mind just did it. I mean, we get along with Alex and speak with him/see him, so maybe I was tricking myself, unknowingly, that I was acting "normal". As I got him on the phone I blurted out, "Is your mom home? Is Abi home? Great, can you keep them there until Rowan and I arrive?" And that is where I went. Willingly and without even understanding why. On the 10 minute drive over I tried convincing myself I was nervous, crazy, temporarily blinded, anything but sane and logical. I tried to make my stomach feel those bad feelings, because I should stick my ground, right? This was just setting the whole situation up for more trouble, of course. But my heart hurt, almost like an aching for something you'd long ago accepted as being gone forever. See? I just can't even explain it.

I get there and everything went fine. And I don't mean tolerable, I mean fine as in, I could see myself with them again. I wanted to see myself with them again. Insert desperately trying to conjure up bad thoughts, yet again. And I can't. I woke up this morning feeling the same way. Why? What happened? I can't say I've forgotten, or forgiven. Nor will I. But at the same time I couldn't control these random feelings that just literally "snapped on", I subconsciously thought, "None of it really matters that much anymore." This thought led to, "So what if I have a mother-in-law that's a little bat shit? A little manipulative? She isn't going to literally stab me. She can't literally control an outcome of my life. We can walk away! We're not all physically sewn together with real threaded seams."

Am I scared of the future? Absolutely. I'm scared of Rowan getting close to these family members and then being let down or hurt by them. I'm scared that Thane will be let down or hurt by them. I'm scared that we will look silly if the joke is on us. How foolish we'll feel if we put ourselves in a position where we basically allow ourselves to be hurt or manipulated or taken advantage of or talked badly about behind our backs. But I can't live storing predictions of "what ifs" in my pockets.

I won't talk about the past, with any of them. Because new relationships will be formed. Will they be successful this time? I have no idea, but it's only possible if we throw the old out the window and begin again.

- "If I could tell the world just one thing, it would be that we're all okay, and not to worry because worry is wasteful and useless in times like these. I won't be made useless. I won't be idle with despair."

Thirty-Six - Thursday's Therapy Session

Today I completely forgot that Rowan had a therapy session! Miss Colleen came in and I was hanging in my pjs (which consisted of disgusting, barely there shorts, a sports bra, and a wife beater type tank top. HAHA) and eating a bagel thin. Rowan was running around in just his diaper. I apologized, even though I'm sure she sees worse. For today's session Miss Colleen and Rowan made "gloop", which is really just slime. Miss Colleen read him a story about them making the gloop which focused on Rowan using his voice to explain to Miss Colleen if he was afraid or did not want the gloop to touch his hands. The stories are part of the prediction strategy, meaning if he knows something is going to take place, he may be able to prepare his senses/mind for a normal reaction. She types up the story on the computer and it inputs pictures so he can help read along, then she prints each individual story out about most of the activities she does with him. She even made him one for when we went camping. She really should have just been allowed to be his speech therapist AND his O/T therapist because she's really great with both. She's wonderful at her job and really seems to go above and beyond.

Anyway the story went something like this: "Today, Miss Colleen and Rowan are going to spend 10 minutes making gloop. The gloop is made of three things: soap, water, and glue. Sometimes the gloop can feel a little slimey on Rowan's hands. But that is okay. It is still safe. The gloop is not forever and it can come off Rowan's hands whenever he wants it to be gone. If Rowan does not want the gloop to touch his hands, he will use his voice to tell Miss Colleen, 'No, thank you." Rowan will not cry or run away because he will explain to Miss Colleen how he feels and she will understand what he is saying." She read the story to him slowly and then they began making the gloop. Rowan participated and helped measure the water and squeeze the glue bottle. When they were finished Miss Colleen rolled it around in her hands and then asked Rowan if he wanted to touch it. Rowan froze and just stood there. His lower lip started to tremble the tiniest bit and Miss Colleen said, "Rowan, hunny, what is wrong? What are you supposed to do?" and he replies, "Not cry." Hahaha. Awwww. He had remembered from the story that she had told him not to cry and he must have been concentrating on not doing it. Miss Colleen looked at me and said, "Oh gosh, I forgot how sensitive he is." She then turned back to Rowan and told him it was going to be alright, that it was okay to be nervous or sad. Then she said they could move on to a different activity and come back to the gloop. Next they worked with a sticker book. Miss Colleen bought him a "Fantastic Four" sticker book (she said it was the only superhero one she could find at the store) and she went over descriptive words with him, like hair color, what they were wearing, and also what action they were doing, etc. Then he would place stickers on a scene after correctly identifying words such as "above, under, next to" etc. When Rowan had calmed down they moved back to the gloop. Miss Colleen asked Rowan again if he'd like to touch it and right away he said, "No, I do not" and she asked him why and he replied, "It looks sticky and sticky makes my skin feel bad." Good job, Rowan! I was so proud of him I almost cried. He is getting so much better! We won't "get over" SPD and all of the feelings and quirks Rowan has because of it, but he is already growing in leaps and bounds at being able to communicate about it and cope with it. I'm anxious for him to be medically diagnosed because it will bring even more peace with it being "final", but they won't until he's four.

We've cancelled our camping reservations for Green Lakes this weekend. :[ There's a big storm system coming that's supposed to stretch from at least Pulaski to Fayetteville. Like 70% chance of thunderstorms for the weekend, so why would we want to go and just sit in our tent, you know? Plus, Thane is behind in school work and it gives him time to catch up. Jenn is "irritated" (her word) that we're canceling. Whatever, they're still going so why does it even matter? So frustrating sometimes.

Tomorrow I think I am going to borrow my mom's van to take into Oswego so that I can go to Sheldon, the children's center where Rowan is going to be going starting August 23rd. Miss Colleen wants me to take some pictures of the outside of the building and the classroom so that she can do a predictions story for him about going. I also need to speak with the head lady and go over all of Rowan's evaluations and therapy paperwork. I have to talk to her about the menu as well, because Rowan will be there full days Mondays and Wednesdays which means two meals, breakfast and lunch, and looking over the menu I already know some of the stuff he isn't okay with. And you're not allowed to bring food from home. Miss Colleen said she can call and speak with them, because Rowan won't eat certain things because of taste or because he'd rather have candy or something silly, it's because of certain food textures, which is part of SPD. And obviously he can't go to an all day program and not eat a meal if it isn't one that he can tolerate. So there must be some sort of solution? I don't know.

Maybe I should unpack our bags for camp now. Haha.

Thirty-Five - Suttercreek Campgrounds

Camp was okayyyy at best. Ha. It was our dog, Riley's first time camping. She only made it past the first night. All day Thursday she was very talkative and the owners of the campgrounds came around and told us if she didn't quiet down she'd have to leave. Then Thursday overnight she was fine. We brought along her crate and put that in our tent and she slept in there with us. Friday morning, however, she was back to barking. Not constant like yipping or anything, just more "talking" than I guess other people like. My mom and her bf brought their dog, my brother and sil brought theirs, Bob and Kelly (family friends) brought theirs. So 4 dogs in a small space. So Friday around 9am I called the kennel we take her to and asked if they had any last minute vacancies. They did so we took her there until just a little bit ago when I picked her up. I felt so bad because July 17th was her 1st birthday and she was at the kennel instead of with us. Aw. I'm retarded. Haha. She likes the kennel though and they really like her there. They call her their princess.

So Friday and Saturday were pretty mellow. Friday was my mom's birthday and Thane had to work til 12. Once he got back from work we just hung around all day. That night we had a big birthday dinner for my mom and Kelly, because her birthday was Saturday. Then Saturday we all spent most of the day lounging in camp chairs by the edge of the creek. Rowan went swimming in the creek and my brother helped him and this other little boy at the campgrounds, Tyler (who was really annoying. Ha.), catch crawfish.

Sunday morning we had to pack up and check out. Bob and Kelly left early and the rest of us gathered at my mom's camper for breakfast. I had my normal bagel thin while everyone else was eating breakfast sandwiches. I think I've told you about how my mom is always giving her two cents/opinion. Well, it started off simple. Thane handed me his plate with his sandwich on it and he gave it to me lopsided and it almost fell and all I said was, "Thaaaaane" and my mom has to pipe up and say, "Hey!" like I was doing something downright awful. She did it all weekend, just like I predicted. And neither her or her bf listened to me, like always, when it came to Rowan. We brought water shoes and a pair of dry shoes. with us for him. My mom's bf, Butch, went to take Rowan for a walk by the creek and I reminded him to keep Rowan's shoes dry. What does he do? Comes back and had taken him swimming. So he was soaked, head to toe, including his shoes. This whole blatantly ignoring what I say as the parent thing has gotten to be a pretty big deal to me, since it happens ALL the time. Anyway, after my mom had to pipe up for the thousandth time, I said, "Hey mom, why don't you be quiet when I'm talking to my husband." to which her bf extra manly-ish like feels the need to say, "And you need to shut your god damn mouth. Don't talk to your mother that way." So I say, "Excuse me? I'm not going to shut anything, even though you just asked me so nicely. I'm a grown woman telling another grown woman to mind her own business and stay out of things because I'm sick of it." So then, of course, I get, "If you're such a grown woman, then act like it. You're a disrespectful little bitch, get the fuck out of my god damn camper (I think god damn is his favorite phrase)." Wow, really?! They're always telling me I don't act my age. Are you kidding me? What the fuck do I do that I DON'T act 26 years old?? So I stood up to leave because I didn't even want to be there with those people anyway. And I said to Thane, "Come on, we'll just go finish eating at our campsite" and Thane says, "Just settle down, don't be stubborn, we can stay" and I said, "No, I want to leave" and he didn't get up to go with me and THAT made me even more upset than what had just happened with Bully Butch. Needless to say, when we finally did get away, I laid into Thane more than I ever have before (I really don't think he's ever made me that upset, ever). Heh. I was like, "First of all when some big asshole bully is yelling at me, for NO REASON, you need to stick up for me! Also, when I'm making the decision to get up and walk away, whether you want to or not, you SUPPORT YOUR WIFE!" Ugh, I was so disappointed. By Thane not doing anything he made ME feel like I was an idiot. Like I had done something wrong, when I knew I didn't. I told him he really let me down and hurt my feelings. So yesterday when we got home it was basically a day of me being upset and him apologizing, blah blah blah. I mean, today I'm over it, obviously. It wasn't like a huge deal, it was just, idk. Whatever. Seriously, though, that's what living with my mom and Butch was like. But it's different now. I don't have to take it and I won't. I'll defend myself verbally and I can put distance between him and myself by knowing I am not trapped. My mom may think it's okay to be talked to by a man like that, but not me.

Now I'm all frazzled all over again by it. I'm really tempted to call my mom or write her an email or something and let her know that it is not acceptable for him to EVER talk to me like that. And that if it ever happens again, she can bet I will be keeping my distance from them for awhile. Because I don't HAVE to be around someone like that. Nothing and no one says I have to endure ANYONE talking to me that way.

Thirty-Four - More Camping? Sure!

I've been miserable and moody for like the whole past week. I'm not PMSing, so I have no idea why I feel so crappy. I think it's just a mix of low self esteem/self worth and stress? Ha, hello pathetic.

Anyway, we're leaving to go camping tomorrow afternoon until Sunday. It's my mom's birthday weekend and she wanted everyone to go. I hope that she and her boyfriend don't drive me crazy. They are always trying to control my reactions/emotions/attitude. It's hard to explain. My mom also overrides me all the time. Like, I'll give a "yes or no" answer to something regarding Rowan and she'll be like, "Oh, it's fine Jami!" or "Hm, no I don't think he should do that" and when I speak up and remind her that I'm the parent, she tells me I'm being dramatic and she'll say something like, "Oh enough. Just stop. It's not a big deal" Urgh. Just thinking about it makes me cringe because I know this exact situation is going to happen probably at least 10 times this weekend. It is a big deal, Mom, because what I say goes, period. No matter how much you disagree with my parenting skills (which by the way I KNOW there's nothing wrong with). Also, the place we're going is like a private camp, so the sites are stupid expensive and there's not even a beach or swimming! And the lady put us on this spot called "10T", which is like right behind site 10, which is for a camper, which is where my mom is. Then two other couples who are friends of the family (Bob & Kelly LaRock and Jim & Pat Marra [the high school librarian]) are on sites 11 and 12. So I was telling Mom how tight of a space it is behind her and how we'll really have to utilize all of the site for our stuff and she was all like, "Well I was planning on using the back space. I mean, we can figure it out when we get there. We'll just find a place to stick your tent, whatever" No, Mom, we paid $78 for our friggin site for just 3 nights, we're going to use our space however we want. I also told her that the woman who booked me told me that there was a person occupying site "11T", so she'll have to be conscious of them and she just has this "Oh, whatever, it will be fine if we cross into their site" attitude. She's just so oblivious sometimes. Their the kind of people who think the whole word loves to drink beer and get drunk. She, for some unknown reason, can't fathom that there are actually people who like to experience life sober and peacefully.

Wow, I'm so going to have a good time, huh? Hahaha

Sometimes I feel like there are people that need to be called out, but I would never be the one to do it. Because then it would just explode into some drama fest that I have no desire to attend. Blah blah blah.

I miss Silver and the girls. Vinny too, I guess. Hahaha.

I'm nervous about taking Riley camping. I hope she likes it.

I would really like to get together with Michaela soon. Her aunt lives right around the corner from me, so that's cool. I can remember her laugh and it makes me want to squeeze her.

Okay, DONE. I guess.

Thirty-Three - Finally Going to Admit I'm Lost

I keep saying things will change. I make a solid promise in my mind that tomorrow will be a new day. And then it's not. I am finally going to admit, I'm lost. Every time I see myself, I'm bigger and bigger. My BMI is probably unbelieveable. I don't just weigh a lot, I'm BIG. I was in denial for a long time, and now that I'm actually "waking up", I feel like there's no way to possibly "get back" alone. Like, now I don't feel in control of just fixing this, fixing me, independently. I was just saying this to a friend. I know it's going to be a long, long road back. I know it will be slow and it will take every ounce of fight and effort and energy to do it, but I don't know HOW. I can only hear so many "You have to eat different" or "You have to go to the gym" statements. I understand what I inevitably have to do to maintain good health. I have no clue how to get from here, where I am today, to that lifestyle.

Thirty-Two - Camping and Rowan's First Therapy Session

I guess I could probably update now. We went camping last weekend in the Adirondacks at Fish Creek Pond with the Rosato family. We had a lot of fun! We left Saturday morning after dropping Riley off at the kennel and were on the road at about 8:45 a.m. We stopped for breakfast in Watertown and I think we ended up arriving at camp around 1:30? It didn't take Thane long to set up the tent (we love it!). Silver's parent's campsite was a comfortable walk away. We spent two days just eating, walking, and hanging out. The kids got to swim quite a bit on Sunday and Rowan loved that. At the Rusaw family's camp we played Hit or Miss and I really liked that game. Timeout - I hate when I do this. I do something eventful (like a vacation/trip/adventure/whatever), and then I come home and only briefly summarize the trip. I do it every time. I'll just say we had a great time and I miss Silver! I'm pretty sure on Sunday we're going to their house and we're all going to try and go to CiCi's.

Rowan has his first therapy session today. They just called me yesterday and told me. Thanks short notice. A woman will be coming here every Thursday from 11:15 to 11:45 and then every Friday from 9:45 to 10:15. The woman asked if we had pets and then expressed concern because she has allergies. Excuse me, but um wtf? What does telling me that even mean? What do you expect me to do? If it's that big of a problem, get a different job lady. Perhaps you shouldn't have a job that requires you to go to people's houses that have pets, which is normal (seriously, she acted so disappointed and like almost disgusted that we dare have animals). I hope I like her better in person. More importantly, I hope Rowan likes her. I hope she will really work with him in ways that will benefit him.

It's 10:15 now, which means she'll be here in an hour, so I suppose I should start getting prepared.

Thirty-One - Oh Life. Decisions, Decisions

So, of course, after making the decision to go back to school and becoming fully enrolled, I get the opportunity to become employed by the state at SUNY Oswego. Haha. Thank you, life. If I would have gotten this offer four months ago, I would have jumped on it, without any doubts. It is a keyboarding specialist job and the pay starts at $27,744, full-time, with benefits. That is good starting pay for only having an associate's degree for now. But it would require me to send Rowan to preschool/day care full-time, resulting in it costing $560 a month for the place he has to go where he will get his therapy, rather than him only have to go two full days a week at $208 a month. So that is a negative. Another negative is that the keyboarding specialist tier I job caps at about $35,000 (and then about $47,000 at tier II). When I become a teacher I would hope that I would surpass that amount in my career, plus I would be doing something I've always wanted to do. I guess what it comes down to is that I have to ask myself, do I want to jump into the unknown, go through 2-3 more years of school, add up WAY more student loan debt and then hope the market is good enough to land me a nice teaching position when I'm done? Or do I want to be "unselfish" and take the guaranteed income NOW, without adding on any more debt, but with the possibility of reaching a salary cap that leaves us in trouble years from now (who knows what the economy will be like when Rowan goes to college, for example) and/or provides me with job duties that leave me feeling unfulfilled? Working at the college in an office or teaching will offer me similar benefits being a state employee, no matter what state I'm in. Taking a job here in Oswego County as a NYS public employee would mean we would probably stick around the area, since transferring out to a different area would be difficult (leaving the state would be impossible). There really aren't a lot of opportunities for Thane with a degree in Hotel & Restaurant Management around here. Not for what he's looking for at least. So more negatives.

Gah. It sounds like I've got my mind made up, right? I wish it would feel that simple in my head. I think just the thought of "instant gratification" knocking on my door is making me have small second thoughts. But I guess that's normal. It isn't easy to think about walking away from almost doubling our household income (I would start out at close to what Thane makes now after he's been there three years), just to follow a dream that is going to take time. I've never been very good at following real dreams, so I think it's probably time I don't just put on a brave mask, but instead, actually become the word. I can do this and it will pay off in the long run. Just have to keep fighting to get there.