Fifty-Two

Omgggg. Rowan is playing with a tiny little toy washer and he's saying, "You put the clothes in the washer and now you need 'oxoclean'. You need winning 'oxoclean!" If only we got paid every time he endorses a toy as a real prodcut of his during imaginary play.

Fifty-One

Rowan's first ever letter to Santa:

Dear Santa,

Thank you. Thank you for presents. Maybe I can help you next year. I can show you karate kicks! What do you want for your birthday? I love you.

♥ Rowan

Fifty

I took a cracker from Rowan and he yelled at me by saying, "Mommy! There's NO swiping on Christmas!! Now you're on the naughty list!" Thank you NickJr for playing the Dora Christmas special every day since November.

Forty-Nine

Rowan selected "The Fast and the Furious" on Netflix all by himself to watch. I forgot how bad that movie is, in more ways than one. I told him he had to turn it off because it wasn't a good movie for little kids. So what does he pick next? "Rush Hour 2" because he recognized "JACKIE CHAN??!!" on the picture for it. Hahahaha. He loves Jackie Chan. I'm serious.

Forty-Eight

Rowan: "Daddy, can you help me with my itch?" Thane: "Where's your itch?" Rowan: "My butt!"

Forty-Seven

Rowan seems upset that Daddy doesn't want a hockey mask for Christmas. "You don't want a hockey mask?!!" Hahaha.

Forty-Six

Rowan's hair, for some reason, decided to REALLY fluff up when it dried after his bath this evening. When I told him we'd have to do something with it before school tomorrow, he said, "No, Mom! It looks like Bakugan's!!"

It really does.

http://images2.fanpop.com/images/photos/4300000/BAKUGAN-bakugan-battle-brawlers-4381670-800-600.jpg

Forty-Five

Rowan: "Dad, you gonna put my food in the green bowl? The green bowl Dad? The greeeeen boooowwwwlllll?" Thane: "Yes." Rowan: "Aw thanks, Dad, you're a GENIUS!!!"

Forty-Four

Rowan: "Mom?" Me: "Yeah, Hunny?" Rowan: "You're the best girl in the world."

.

I'm doing okay. Not really a "healthy okay", I know, because I'm only okay if I don't talk about it. I've been kind of avoiding everyone. I'll get there and be okay, but I'm still just frozen. Part of me wants to get out and surround myself with family because I need people that knew her and knew how much I loved her. And then the other part of me just sits here, unable to move, or face everyone. I keep reminding myself I'm not the only one who has gone through this, but I can't get my head to function rationally yet. I think it's also a little bit difficult for me with there being no services or memorial. So it's kind of like, "well, what happens now/next?" I feel like something else should be happening. It can't just be that simple. One day she's here, and then she's not, and the whole world just keeps on moving. I already feel left behind.

Betty L. Whalen

October 12, 2010 - 12:40 p.m.

Rest in peace, Grandma. I love you. So much.

"Somewhere out there, beneath the pale moonlight, someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight. Somewhere out there, someone's saying a prayer that we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there. And even though I know how very far apart we are, it helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star. And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby, it helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky."

Forty-Three - It's Killing Me Not to See Them

Got a package from Grandma and Grandpa today. The best part about it was opening it up and discovering every little thing inside smells like them. I stuck my nose in a shirt and baseball cap and cried for 10+ minutes.

When I talked to her last weekend she said she was going well. She actually sounded it. She sounded so much healthier, not weak or tired. She's still doing treatments. Two weeks on, one week off. I'm scared for the next scan.

Forty-Two - Everybody Wants to Rule The World

This week is my last week as a full-time stay at home mom. Wow. Next Monday Rowan goes to preschool. Which means that this week is the last week, ever, that he and I will spend all our days together. I am going to cry so hard after I drop him off. I just have to make sure he doesn't see. Haha.

I seriously have no idea why my sister-in-law (and thus my brother) thinks it's okay to go FOUR weeks without speaking to me. Over nothing. No, I'm serious, nothing. She's (they're) the one wasting time. They're not seeing their nephew, and they're wasting time not loving a family member and just sharing life with them. Why don't I step up and be the bigger person? Why don't I go ahead and break the silence? Oh, because I do it every fucking time. It got tiring. A repetition with no movement of a real resolve.

I hope when classes begin I become motivated to write in here at least once, every day. I want to, believe me. I have enough to say, but I'm not used to being open again. It'll come slowly.

Forty-One - Rowan Loves Rihanna

I turned down the radio in the car while trying to talk to Thane. Rihanna's "Rude Boy" was on. Rowan yells "Hey hey hey, turn that back up!" and starts singing along. When should I start being concerned about the lyrics he's subconsciously storing the vocabulary from? Hahaha.

Anyway, Rowan was very good at the store tonight. Now he's having a late night snack. His Dannimal's Crush Cup that he's been waiting "forever" (one day) to get because he loves the commercial. <3

Forty - Googling My Blog

Interestingly enough, someone (location: Rochester, NY) googled the term "jami goldberg fulton blog" to find this and read it. Ha. It must have been after I updated Facebook with a status saying I needed to update my blog. I'll just leave it at this: if that person comes back to my blog and reads this and then wants to message me on FB and let me know why they felt compelled to visit, they can feel free to do so. Otherwise, I'll just think they're weird.

Thirty-Nine - Trying Not To Suck

I know, I know. Let's just clear the air between us, blog. I neglected you. I came to visit, but you never knew, and now I suppose you hate me. Well, get over it, because sometimes I suck. I just do. I am trying hard not to, though, so here I am.

I had so much to say, and now I don't know where to begin, or whether I want to annoyingly recount the past couple of weeks in a not-enough-detail kind of list. That's what I get, I guess. So I suppose I will do the list, literally.

1. The last time I updated, Wednesday, July 28th, we went to my mother-in-law's house for the three year anniversary of Tex's death. It was a good time. Rowan got to go swimming and everyone was there.

2. We went back out to hang out on Saturday. We brought Apples to Apples and Hit or Miss and Connie, Alex, Abi, Thane, and I all played both of them for hours. After that we all, minus Connie but plus Rowan, decided it would be a cool idea to forgo dinner and go "ice cream shop hopping" instead. You know, sort of like bar hopping. We went to Hershey's, the Gelato place, Mom and Pop's, and Cold Stone. We actually only got ice cream at Hershey's. Haha. Rowan had a superman ice cream that was really delicious. Just really bright, colorful ice cream that tasted just like that Zebra Stripes gum or whatever it's called. Thane actually did get a small serving of gelato, but it was disgusting, so he gave it to Alex, I think. At Mom & Pop's, I got a Shirley Temple and the worst tasting lemonade ever. Alex and Thane got root beer floats. At Cold Stone, we were "sweetened out" so we got real food from Tim Horton's, which is in the same building. Haha. Their wraps are surprisingly good. On the way home, Jason Derulo's "In My Head" came on. I turned it up loud and every one of us sang it at the top of our lungs. Even Rowan. I love moments like that. It was silly, but we bonded.

3. Last week not too much happened. I got a new phone, the Samsung Captivate. But I didn't like it, so it's on it's way back and just today I ordered the new Blackberry Torch 9800. Yay. I was getting tired of certain things with Blackberry, but this new phone actually takes care of most of that, so I'm pretty stoked. The Captivate was awful, for me. In general, as a phone, it had amazing features. The SWYPE feature was ridiculous and if my new phone came with that feature I'd declare it the best phone on the market (I hate the iPhone). But the Captivate just didn't cut it for me for three main reasons. a. The battery wouldn't last a full day on a full charge. b. Pre-loaded apps (ones that you cannot delete off the phone) would start up on their own. I had downloaded an "app killer" tool, but it was still annoying to have to use it literally every 15 minutes or so. And finally, c. I couldn't receive email/Facebook notifications in real time. This wasn't a killer, but it was still annoying. Let's hope I love the Torch. Ha.

4. This last Saturday, Abi and Connie came over to visit with us. We all went to dinner at Mimi's and hated on the waitress. Haha.

5. Sunday we went to check out a new sofa and chair at Raymour & Flanigan. We spent hours in there. It wasn't easy trying to peruse each room of styles when Rowan made a game of taking off running down the whole length of the building. Haha. So I'd say we spent 70% of the time chasing Rowan and 30% actually testing out pieces. We ended up leaving having picked out the perfect couch, but did not like the chair that matched it, so we were planning on searching for a separate piece that would still compliment it nicely. Halfway to Silver and Vinny's we realized the couch wouldn't work for us. Haaa. We're retarded. This was the one we originally picked out: http://www.raymourflanigan.com/catalog/details.asp?Cat_ID=9&ID=6061#AboveTabs. It was the most comfortable reclining sofa we've ever sat in, nice and wide reclining sides. We realized, though, that if we both use the recliners, Rowan would have no way of climbing up onto the couch, nor a place to just sit normally. So we called our sales rep back and put our second choice on hold. The second set is almost as comfortable (close enough that nothing else in the showroom compared to both our picks) and we chose the loveseat as the second piece, rather than the chair. We have the space for it, so why not. Plus, the loveseat comes with an awesome console in the center for organization, plus storage underneath! Sofa here: http://www.raymourflanigan.com/catalog/details.asp?Cat_ID=9&ID=99046#AboveTabs, loveseat here: http://www.raymourflanigan.com/catalog/details.asp?Cat_ID=9&ID=99047#AboveTabs. We chose the color "Cafe". The pieces do not look that shiny/weirdly contrasting in person. The sofa was on sale, not the loveseat, but our guy said he would give us the sale price on the loveseat too. He's also giving us no interest until 2012! If anyone wants furniture in this area, I'd recommend John Glinsky at Raymour & Flanigan. He's been great so far. Anyway, we are going to put 20% down as soon as my refund check comes in, and then finance the rest. So we should have our new comfy furniture within a month. :] Now just to find someone who wants to buy our gently used set we have now.

6. As I mentioned above, Sunday we also went to Silver and Vinny's. Silver recreated the meal she made in France at her cooking class. I didn't try the veggie stuff, but Thane liked it. It was our first time having risotto, I loved it! Thane also loved the olive tapenade, but I just loved the bread. Haha. I have a carb problem. It was sooooo nice to see everyone. It had been way too long, for me, between seeing them. I seriously cannot wait to get a car, although with Silver starting school, we're still not going to get to see each other. :[

7. Monday we revisited Rowan's school. Found out who his teacher will be (a young-ish girl named Joelle). Also found out that they're placing him in a real preschool program, rather than just the "preschool structured daycare" program. I was so ecstatic. We also went to Lowe's and made our first official "home improvement" purchase. We just bought wood to make some shelves in the weird closet cabinet in our kitchen, so that it will be a pantry. Whatever, we were still proud.

Okay, I'll stop with the lists now. This week is Rowan's last week with Miss Colleen because the summer school ends. I know he will miss her. Today she was very affectionate with him, giving him lots of hugs, and I can tell that she doesn't want her time with him to end either. I wish he could just go to Little Lukes and be with her all the time. Maybe he will get to see her again next summer? I don't know.

I haven't talked to my brother, or Jenn, in three weeks. Jenn got "irritated" (her word) with me for canceling our last camping trip because of the storm system that was going to be coming through the area (the one that flooded Fulton's streets). I don't even understand why she got upset in the first place, other than just acting like a brat. They were going to go regardless of us canceling, so what was the big deal? Also, I never even invited her to go camping with us anyway. She learned of our reservations and said, "Oh, I'm going to check and see if they have any other sites for the same weekend!" Okay, that's fine. What am I going to do, tell her she can't go camping? It just wasn't a big deal, all around, at all. But she's holding some sort of weird grudge or something, so that means Nick is too. Boo. I'm not even going to bother this time. I'm always the one who breaks the silence and "let's it go" or whatever. It gets tiring after awhile when I shouldn't need to do that.

I wish the perfect vehicle would just become available. Ugh. We might be looking at a van this week, but now I doubt it, so we'll see.

I'm getting nervous/anxious about school. Rowan begins going to preschool in a week and a half. I know I'm going to cry my eyes out leaving him. The week after he goes, I go. I just hope I don't get too ridiculously overloaded with the three english classes I am taking. Yeah, I am specializing in English, but they say that three in one semester is still a lot. This is my best subject, obviously, so I think I'll do fine.

Okay, time to get going I suppose. I believe we're going over to visit Thane's family when he gets out of work today. Then this weekend we are cleaning, catching up on shows, installing the shelves in the pantry, and relaxing! Possibly going to IHop. Rowan keeps seeing a commercial and has been begging to go. Haha.

THERE. AN UPDATE. :] I do feel better now.

Thirty-Eight - Three Years

The anniversary of someone's death is always a day you just feel different. You can never just have a normal day or go about your business. You feel frozen, while the rest of the world goes on. Celebrating birthdays or wedding anniversaries, the start of a vacation, pay day. And you're just stuck reliving the day it happened. The phone call, the way your knees crumpled, the awful sound that pushed it's way past your lips, violently, as it fought with the lump in your throat. That lump - so giant, so heavy as it moves to your chest and sits like a rock on your heart. It took a long time not to live that day on repeat, and we'll all never escape it completely.

Charles Martin Goldberg, you sure are missed. There's a slight breeze today and often on days like this I breathe it in deep. I pretend that I understand the world and that I know it all. That pieces of you really could exist, somewhere. Not just the things you left behind, but things such as your smell, the same texture as the pads of your fingers, the same color as the warm, deep tone of your voice. These things couldn't have just disappeared too. Someday I will find them. I will reconnect these pieces and in some way, some form, you will be there.

Thirty-Seven - Today Was Necessary. Today Things Changed.

Okay, so today was really yesterday in the title to this blog entry. I just didn't have a chance to update yesterday about it.

I had to borrow my mom's van yesterday morning to go to the college bookstore and Sheldon. I had to go to Sheldon to turn in the paperwork for Rowan to start going there in a few weeks and also to ask questions/sit down with the woman to discuss Rowan's therapy and his special needs. Every telephone conversation I've ever had with this woman, she's always said, "Oh you guys can come in anytime! We can sit down and talk, you can tour the center, Rowan can participate in some activities to break the ice, blah blah blah." Then when we get there she wasn't really any help at all. She was "busy" and there was no one to give us a tour. I asked if we could make an appointment for a later date and was told I didn't need one, again, I could come in at anytime. Um, what the hell is going on then? Haha. I was so annoyed walking out of there. The bookstore also didn't help me much, but whatever.

So after what I thought was a wasted trip/morning Rowan asked me if we could go to Walmart. Since we were in Oswego, I decided to go to the one there and started driving to the other side of the city. Just as we're pulling in the parking lot I looked up and saw the Dollar Tree store sign and remembered that Thane's sister, Abi, worked there. Then, randomly and suddenly this feeling came over me. I don't want to say that some sort of higher power got ahold of me, not just because I don't believe it, but also because that sounds really, really lame. Haha. But it was a strong, solid feeling nonetheless. I was going to pull into that store and take Rowan in. He was going to see his Aunt Abi. As I was getting out, I thought, "What are the chances she's even working right now anyway?" Indeed, she wasn't. But instead of continuing on with our original adventure to Walmart, I took out my phone and called Thane's brother, Alex. I didn't have any thought out purpose or intention, it's like my body/mind just did it. I mean, we get along with Alex and speak with him/see him, so maybe I was tricking myself, unknowingly, that I was acting "normal". As I got him on the phone I blurted out, "Is your mom home? Is Abi home? Great, can you keep them there until Rowan and I arrive?" And that is where I went. Willingly and without even understanding why. On the 10 minute drive over I tried convincing myself I was nervous, crazy, temporarily blinded, anything but sane and logical. I tried to make my stomach feel those bad feelings, because I should stick my ground, right? This was just setting the whole situation up for more trouble, of course. But my heart hurt, almost like an aching for something you'd long ago accepted as being gone forever. See? I just can't even explain it.

I get there and everything went fine. And I don't mean tolerable, I mean fine as in, I could see myself with them again. I wanted to see myself with them again. Insert desperately trying to conjure up bad thoughts, yet again. And I can't. I woke up this morning feeling the same way. Why? What happened? I can't say I've forgotten, or forgiven. Nor will I. But at the same time I couldn't control these random feelings that just literally "snapped on", I subconsciously thought, "None of it really matters that much anymore." This thought led to, "So what if I have a mother-in-law that's a little bat shit? A little manipulative? She isn't going to literally stab me. She can't literally control an outcome of my life. We can walk away! We're not all physically sewn together with real threaded seams."

Am I scared of the future? Absolutely. I'm scared of Rowan getting close to these family members and then being let down or hurt by them. I'm scared that Thane will be let down or hurt by them. I'm scared that we will look silly if the joke is on us. How foolish we'll feel if we put ourselves in a position where we basically allow ourselves to be hurt or manipulated or taken advantage of or talked badly about behind our backs. But I can't live storing predictions of "what ifs" in my pockets.

I won't talk about the past, with any of them. Because new relationships will be formed. Will they be successful this time? I have no idea, but it's only possible if we throw the old out the window and begin again.

- "If I could tell the world just one thing, it would be that we're all okay, and not to worry because worry is wasteful and useless in times like these. I won't be made useless. I won't be idle with despair."

Thirty-Six - Thursday's Therapy Session

Today I completely forgot that Rowan had a therapy session! Miss Colleen came in and I was hanging in my pjs (which consisted of disgusting, barely there shorts, a sports bra, and a wife beater type tank top. HAHA) and eating a bagel thin. Rowan was running around in just his diaper. I apologized, even though I'm sure she sees worse. For today's session Miss Colleen and Rowan made "gloop", which is really just slime. Miss Colleen read him a story about them making the gloop which focused on Rowan using his voice to explain to Miss Colleen if he was afraid or did not want the gloop to touch his hands. The stories are part of the prediction strategy, meaning if he knows something is going to take place, he may be able to prepare his senses/mind for a normal reaction. She types up the story on the computer and it inputs pictures so he can help read along, then she prints each individual story out about most of the activities she does with him. She even made him one for when we went camping. She really should have just been allowed to be his speech therapist AND his O/T therapist because she's really great with both. She's wonderful at her job and really seems to go above and beyond.

Anyway the story went something like this: "Today, Miss Colleen and Rowan are going to spend 10 minutes making gloop. The gloop is made of three things: soap, water, and glue. Sometimes the gloop can feel a little slimey on Rowan's hands. But that is okay. It is still safe. The gloop is not forever and it can come off Rowan's hands whenever he wants it to be gone. If Rowan does not want the gloop to touch his hands, he will use his voice to tell Miss Colleen, 'No, thank you." Rowan will not cry or run away because he will explain to Miss Colleen how he feels and she will understand what he is saying." She read the story to him slowly and then they began making the gloop. Rowan participated and helped measure the water and squeeze the glue bottle. When they were finished Miss Colleen rolled it around in her hands and then asked Rowan if he wanted to touch it. Rowan froze and just stood there. His lower lip started to tremble the tiniest bit and Miss Colleen said, "Rowan, hunny, what is wrong? What are you supposed to do?" and he replies, "Not cry." Hahaha. Awwww. He had remembered from the story that she had told him not to cry and he must have been concentrating on not doing it. Miss Colleen looked at me and said, "Oh gosh, I forgot how sensitive he is." She then turned back to Rowan and told him it was going to be alright, that it was okay to be nervous or sad. Then she said they could move on to a different activity and come back to the gloop. Next they worked with a sticker book. Miss Colleen bought him a "Fantastic Four" sticker book (she said it was the only superhero one she could find at the store) and she went over descriptive words with him, like hair color, what they were wearing, and also what action they were doing, etc. Then he would place stickers on a scene after correctly identifying words such as "above, under, next to" etc. When Rowan had calmed down they moved back to the gloop. Miss Colleen asked Rowan again if he'd like to touch it and right away he said, "No, I do not" and she asked him why and he replied, "It looks sticky and sticky makes my skin feel bad." Good job, Rowan! I was so proud of him I almost cried. He is getting so much better! We won't "get over" SPD and all of the feelings and quirks Rowan has because of it, but he is already growing in leaps and bounds at being able to communicate about it and cope with it. I'm anxious for him to be medically diagnosed because it will bring even more peace with it being "final", but they won't until he's four.

We've cancelled our camping reservations for Green Lakes this weekend. :[ There's a big storm system coming that's supposed to stretch from at least Pulaski to Fayetteville. Like 70% chance of thunderstorms for the weekend, so why would we want to go and just sit in our tent, you know? Plus, Thane is behind in school work and it gives him time to catch up. Jenn is "irritated" (her word) that we're canceling. Whatever, they're still going so why does it even matter? So frustrating sometimes.

Tomorrow I think I am going to borrow my mom's van to take into Oswego so that I can go to Sheldon, the children's center where Rowan is going to be going starting August 23rd. Miss Colleen wants me to take some pictures of the outside of the building and the classroom so that she can do a predictions story for him about going. I also need to speak with the head lady and go over all of Rowan's evaluations and therapy paperwork. I have to talk to her about the menu as well, because Rowan will be there full days Mondays and Wednesdays which means two meals, breakfast and lunch, and looking over the menu I already know some of the stuff he isn't okay with. And you're not allowed to bring food from home. Miss Colleen said she can call and speak with them, because Rowan won't eat certain things because of taste or because he'd rather have candy or something silly, it's because of certain food textures, which is part of SPD. And obviously he can't go to an all day program and not eat a meal if it isn't one that he can tolerate. So there must be some sort of solution? I don't know.

Maybe I should unpack our bags for camp now. Haha.

Thirty-Five - Suttercreek Campgrounds

Camp was okayyyy at best. Ha. It was our dog, Riley's first time camping. She only made it past the first night. All day Thursday she was very talkative and the owners of the campgrounds came around and told us if she didn't quiet down she'd have to leave. Then Thursday overnight she was fine. We brought along her crate and put that in our tent and she slept in there with us. Friday morning, however, she was back to barking. Not constant like yipping or anything, just more "talking" than I guess other people like. My mom and her bf brought their dog, my brother and sil brought theirs, Bob and Kelly (family friends) brought theirs. So 4 dogs in a small space. So Friday around 9am I called the kennel we take her to and asked if they had any last minute vacancies. They did so we took her there until just a little bit ago when I picked her up. I felt so bad because July 17th was her 1st birthday and she was at the kennel instead of with us. Aw. I'm retarded. Haha. She likes the kennel though and they really like her there. They call her their princess.

So Friday and Saturday were pretty mellow. Friday was my mom's birthday and Thane had to work til 12. Once he got back from work we just hung around all day. That night we had a big birthday dinner for my mom and Kelly, because her birthday was Saturday. Then Saturday we all spent most of the day lounging in camp chairs by the edge of the creek. Rowan went swimming in the creek and my brother helped him and this other little boy at the campgrounds, Tyler (who was really annoying. Ha.), catch crawfish.

Sunday morning we had to pack up and check out. Bob and Kelly left early and the rest of us gathered at my mom's camper for breakfast. I had my normal bagel thin while everyone else was eating breakfast sandwiches. I think I've told you about how my mom is always giving her two cents/opinion. Well, it started off simple. Thane handed me his plate with his sandwich on it and he gave it to me lopsided and it almost fell and all I said was, "Thaaaaane" and my mom has to pipe up and say, "Hey!" like I was doing something downright awful. She did it all weekend, just like I predicted. And neither her or her bf listened to me, like always, when it came to Rowan. We brought water shoes and a pair of dry shoes. with us for him. My mom's bf, Butch, went to take Rowan for a walk by the creek and I reminded him to keep Rowan's shoes dry. What does he do? Comes back and had taken him swimming. So he was soaked, head to toe, including his shoes. This whole blatantly ignoring what I say as the parent thing has gotten to be a pretty big deal to me, since it happens ALL the time. Anyway, after my mom had to pipe up for the thousandth time, I said, "Hey mom, why don't you be quiet when I'm talking to my husband." to which her bf extra manly-ish like feels the need to say, "And you need to shut your god damn mouth. Don't talk to your mother that way." So I say, "Excuse me? I'm not going to shut anything, even though you just asked me so nicely. I'm a grown woman telling another grown woman to mind her own business and stay out of things because I'm sick of it." So then, of course, I get, "If you're such a grown woman, then act like it. You're a disrespectful little bitch, get the fuck out of my god damn camper (I think god damn is his favorite phrase)." Wow, really?! They're always telling me I don't act my age. Are you kidding me? What the fuck do I do that I DON'T act 26 years old?? So I stood up to leave because I didn't even want to be there with those people anyway. And I said to Thane, "Come on, we'll just go finish eating at our campsite" and Thane says, "Just settle down, don't be stubborn, we can stay" and I said, "No, I want to leave" and he didn't get up to go with me and THAT made me even more upset than what had just happened with Bully Butch. Needless to say, when we finally did get away, I laid into Thane more than I ever have before (I really don't think he's ever made me that upset, ever). Heh. I was like, "First of all when some big asshole bully is yelling at me, for NO REASON, you need to stick up for me! Also, when I'm making the decision to get up and walk away, whether you want to or not, you SUPPORT YOUR WIFE!" Ugh, I was so disappointed. By Thane not doing anything he made ME feel like I was an idiot. Like I had done something wrong, when I knew I didn't. I told him he really let me down and hurt my feelings. So yesterday when we got home it was basically a day of me being upset and him apologizing, blah blah blah. I mean, today I'm over it, obviously. It wasn't like a huge deal, it was just, idk. Whatever. Seriously, though, that's what living with my mom and Butch was like. But it's different now. I don't have to take it and I won't. I'll defend myself verbally and I can put distance between him and myself by knowing I am not trapped. My mom may think it's okay to be talked to by a man like that, but not me.

Now I'm all frazzled all over again by it. I'm really tempted to call my mom or write her an email or something and let her know that it is not acceptable for him to EVER talk to me like that. And that if it ever happens again, she can bet I will be keeping my distance from them for awhile. Because I don't HAVE to be around someone like that. Nothing and no one says I have to endure ANYONE talking to me that way.

Thirty-Four - More Camping? Sure!

I've been miserable and moody for like the whole past week. I'm not PMSing, so I have no idea why I feel so crappy. I think it's just a mix of low self esteem/self worth and stress? Ha, hello pathetic.

Anyway, we're leaving to go camping tomorrow afternoon until Sunday. It's my mom's birthday weekend and she wanted everyone to go. I hope that she and her boyfriend don't drive me crazy. They are always trying to control my reactions/emotions/attitude. It's hard to explain. My mom also overrides me all the time. Like, I'll give a "yes or no" answer to something regarding Rowan and she'll be like, "Oh, it's fine Jami!" or "Hm, no I don't think he should do that" and when I speak up and remind her that I'm the parent, she tells me I'm being dramatic and she'll say something like, "Oh enough. Just stop. It's not a big deal" Urgh. Just thinking about it makes me cringe because I know this exact situation is going to happen probably at least 10 times this weekend. It is a big deal, Mom, because what I say goes, period. No matter how much you disagree with my parenting skills (which by the way I KNOW there's nothing wrong with). Also, the place we're going is like a private camp, so the sites are stupid expensive and there's not even a beach or swimming! And the lady put us on this spot called "10T", which is like right behind site 10, which is for a camper, which is where my mom is. Then two other couples who are friends of the family (Bob & Kelly LaRock and Jim & Pat Marra [the high school librarian]) are on sites 11 and 12. So I was telling Mom how tight of a space it is behind her and how we'll really have to utilize all of the site for our stuff and she was all like, "Well I was planning on using the back space. I mean, we can figure it out when we get there. We'll just find a place to stick your tent, whatever" No, Mom, we paid $78 for our friggin site for just 3 nights, we're going to use our space however we want. I also told her that the woman who booked me told me that there was a person occupying site "11T", so she'll have to be conscious of them and she just has this "Oh, whatever, it will be fine if we cross into their site" attitude. She's just so oblivious sometimes. Their the kind of people who think the whole word loves to drink beer and get drunk. She, for some unknown reason, can't fathom that there are actually people who like to experience life sober and peacefully.

Wow, I'm so going to have a good time, huh? Hahaha

Sometimes I feel like there are people that need to be called out, but I would never be the one to do it. Because then it would just explode into some drama fest that I have no desire to attend. Blah blah blah.

I miss Silver and the girls. Vinny too, I guess. Hahaha.

I'm nervous about taking Riley camping. I hope she likes it.

I would really like to get together with Michaela soon. Her aunt lives right around the corner from me, so that's cool. I can remember her laugh and it makes me want to squeeze her.

Okay, DONE. I guess.

Thirty-Three - Finally Going to Admit I'm Lost

I keep saying things will change. I make a solid promise in my mind that tomorrow will be a new day. And then it's not. I am finally going to admit, I'm lost. Every time I see myself, I'm bigger and bigger. My BMI is probably unbelieveable. I don't just weigh a lot, I'm BIG. I was in denial for a long time, and now that I'm actually "waking up", I feel like there's no way to possibly "get back" alone. Like, now I don't feel in control of just fixing this, fixing me, independently. I was just saying this to a friend. I know it's going to be a long, long road back. I know it will be slow and it will take every ounce of fight and effort and energy to do it, but I don't know HOW. I can only hear so many "You have to eat different" or "You have to go to the gym" statements. I understand what I inevitably have to do to maintain good health. I have no clue how to get from here, where I am today, to that lifestyle.

Thirty-Two - Camping and Rowan's First Therapy Session

I guess I could probably update now. We went camping last weekend in the Adirondacks at Fish Creek Pond with the Rosato family. We had a lot of fun! We left Saturday morning after dropping Riley off at the kennel and were on the road at about 8:45 a.m. We stopped for breakfast in Watertown and I think we ended up arriving at camp around 1:30? It didn't take Thane long to set up the tent (we love it!). Silver's parent's campsite was a comfortable walk away. We spent two days just eating, walking, and hanging out. The kids got to swim quite a bit on Sunday and Rowan loved that. At the Rusaw family's camp we played Hit or Miss and I really liked that game. Timeout - I hate when I do this. I do something eventful (like a vacation/trip/adventure/whatever), and then I come home and only briefly summarize the trip. I do it every time. I'll just say we had a great time and I miss Silver! I'm pretty sure on Sunday we're going to their house and we're all going to try and go to CiCi's.

Rowan has his first therapy session today. They just called me yesterday and told me. Thanks short notice. A woman will be coming here every Thursday from 11:15 to 11:45 and then every Friday from 9:45 to 10:15. The woman asked if we had pets and then expressed concern because she has allergies. Excuse me, but um wtf? What does telling me that even mean? What do you expect me to do? If it's that big of a problem, get a different job lady. Perhaps you shouldn't have a job that requires you to go to people's houses that have pets, which is normal (seriously, she acted so disappointed and like almost disgusted that we dare have animals). I hope I like her better in person. More importantly, I hope Rowan likes her. I hope she will really work with him in ways that will benefit him.

It's 10:15 now, which means she'll be here in an hour, so I suppose I should start getting prepared.

Thirty-One - Oh Life. Decisions, Decisions

So, of course, after making the decision to go back to school and becoming fully enrolled, I get the opportunity to become employed by the state at SUNY Oswego. Haha. Thank you, life. If I would have gotten this offer four months ago, I would have jumped on it, without any doubts. It is a keyboarding specialist job and the pay starts at $27,744, full-time, with benefits. That is good starting pay for only having an associate's degree for now. But it would require me to send Rowan to preschool/day care full-time, resulting in it costing $560 a month for the place he has to go where he will get his therapy, rather than him only have to go two full days a week at $208 a month. So that is a negative. Another negative is that the keyboarding specialist tier I job caps at about $35,000 (and then about $47,000 at tier II). When I become a teacher I would hope that I would surpass that amount in my career, plus I would be doing something I've always wanted to do. I guess what it comes down to is that I have to ask myself, do I want to jump into the unknown, go through 2-3 more years of school, add up WAY more student loan debt and then hope the market is good enough to land me a nice teaching position when I'm done? Or do I want to be "unselfish" and take the guaranteed income NOW, without adding on any more debt, but with the possibility of reaching a salary cap that leaves us in trouble years from now (who knows what the economy will be like when Rowan goes to college, for example) and/or provides me with job duties that leave me feeling unfulfilled? Working at the college in an office or teaching will offer me similar benefits being a state employee, no matter what state I'm in. Taking a job here in Oswego County as a NYS public employee would mean we would probably stick around the area, since transferring out to a different area would be difficult (leaving the state would be impossible). There really aren't a lot of opportunities for Thane with a degree in Hotel & Restaurant Management around here. Not for what he's looking for at least. So more negatives.

Gah. It sounds like I've got my mind made up, right? I wish it would feel that simple in my head. I think just the thought of "instant gratification" knocking on my door is making me have small second thoughts. But I guess that's normal. It isn't easy to think about walking away from almost doubling our household income (I would start out at close to what Thane makes now after he's been there three years), just to follow a dream that is going to take time. I've never been very good at following real dreams, so I think it's probably time I don't just put on a brave mask, but instead, actually become the word. I can do this and it will pay off in the long run. Just have to keep fighting to get there.

Thirty - Second Update on Rowan's Evaluation

So, I spoke to the specialist again today and they're pretty confident Rowan has a condition called Sensory Integration Dysfunction (or the newer name for it is Sensory Processing Disorder). The treatment for it is still Occupational Therapy and he will be undergoing therapy strategies that are sometimes used with children who are autistic. I will be attending a meeting in the next couple of weeks to go over all of this and set up his therapy, along with his IEP. Wow, it all sort of makes sense now. They said it's something that should have been looked into awhile ago. With his constantly higher than normal body temperature and the way he eats should have provided early signs, even without all of the other symptoms.

I'll just provide two links, because it's all still a lot for me:

http://www.incrediblehorizons.com/sensory-integration.htm

http://www.spdfoundation.net/index.html

Twenty-Nine - Rowan's OT Evaluation

Rowan had his Occupational Evaluation today. He was such a good boy. He did score below average on almost everything, especially in the sensory skills section, which we expected. He scored mostly average in the fine motor skills area. He has sensory skills overload.

I don't remember if I explained what occupational therapy does. Occupational is split into two groups: fine motor skills and sensory skills (which ranges from the five senses to emotions and mental). He scored average on many of the fine motor skills tests, but below average on the sensory skills, which is what we expected. He has hyperactive senses. He's a picky eater and prefers to eat bland and/or soft foods. He'll eat potato chips and stuff like that, but when it comes to meal times, he prefers less complex foods, such as applesauce, yogurt, pasta without the sauce, etc. He also has to smell a lot of things. He gets overly emotional over things (crying during adult movies as if he understands the concept) and has temper tantrums. Not because he's just misbehaving or anything, but if he can't get something to go his way during independent play (such as not being able to get a spiderman toy figure to bend his legs an EXACT way), or if he attempts something and isn't successful, he'll have a breakdown/meltdown. Because his sensory skills are different than other children's, in order to calm him down we may need to do things like, hold him really close and really tight and apply a blanket for pressure until he calms down, or lay with him on a cool floor (thank god we have hardwoods) with our faces on the floor so he can feel the temperature change sensation, which then triggers a calming feeling. It's hard sometimes, but we love him all the more just because he's NOT like other kids. To us it makes him more special. They tell us that's why he likes music so much, because of sensory reasons. He also has trouble focusing and following directions. Not because of behavior (yet again), but because he's so easily distracted. They say he is REALLY smart and has trouble concentrating on one thing. So the therapy is supposed to help him with his focus and with helping him find his own, independent ways of adapting and coping with a sensory overload. Because, you know, Mommy and Daddy can't always be there with a blanket and we can't go out in public and have to explain to people why we're lying on the floor in the middle of an aisle (yes we've had to do this a couple times) when he's 14 years old. People don't even understand now! They sometimes thinks he's just bratty or misbehaving (he actually behaves MARVELOUSLY) or they probably think we're just freaks. Anyway, if they begin therapy early, hopefully when he's older, it will be hard for an outsider/stranger to see that he sometimes "feels" or "reacts" differently to some situations. There's so much more too, but I'm tired from talking about it with the specialists today. Ha.

On another note, a friend "broke up" with me, I guess. It confuses me. Because to me, either you like someone enough/care about them enough and are interested enough in having them in your life as a friend, or your not. So if they're not, then you'd think they could just be a "mean" person and fess up to that, rather than have to have reasons or excuses as to why "it's not working". Or something like that. I don't know. Honestly, it just isn't as big of a deal to me as it might have been a few months ago.

Twenty-Eight - I Think I Got It This Time

I did one small thing today that I'm really proud of. I analyzed it, like always, and then overanalyzed it, like always, and with a little help I finally saw it. For real, the whole picture. I think next time I'll be able to walk even further away.

Twenty-Seven - Sunday Routine

I think it is an official Sunday routine to hang out with Silver and Vinny. Haha. Yesterday was soooo much fun. Maybe not "fun" to other people, but it was the kind of fun that just warms my heart and makes me feel content with life. Just being around them is nice. It was friggin hot and that gave me a headache halfway through the day, but Silver gave me Excedrin, for tension headaches and that made it go away pretty fast. I was impressed! Normally I just use Excedrin Migraine, and that gets the job done, but not as fast as the other. Anyway, we played Apples to Apples. I love that game! I wanted to play like 45 games of it.

Yesterday while we were outside, Silver said something picking on Vinny (I forget exactly), but Vinny said, "Well Thane is my best friend and I love him" HAHAHA. It was SO adorable. When we came home I asked Thane if he remembered him saying that and Thane was like, "Yeah. That guy's awesome" They're hilarious.

I think Rowan is officially not afraid of Vinny anymore. Haha. When Thane and Vinny were playing a video game yesterday, Rowan hopped up on the couch behind them and put his arms around Vinny's shoulders/neck and was "hugging" him. Also, Rowan called him "Dad" HAHAHAHA. Thane was sitting right there and I was like, "Huh? Rowan! Vinny isn't your dad" (duh) and Vinny was like, "Yeah he called me that before too" So I think Rowan might think that any guy figure that doesn't have a name like "Grandpa" or "Uncle" or something has to be a dad? I mean, it kind of makes sense. The only other adult males he's around, frequently, are all family members with titles. So if he keeps it up we may have to tell him he can call him "Uncle Vinny" Ha.

I am so happy that Madalyn likes me so much. I can remember commenting on Silver's pictures of her, saying, "Ou! I want to squeeze her." or something lame like that. Haha. And now I can! She and Gracie are the cutest little girls ever. They're going to be ridiculously beautiful later on.

Mondays are always mellow days. :] So maybe that means I can hurry up and finish the book I've been working on so that I can start the book Silver let me borrow.

Twenty-Six - More Rain

It is raining again today. I hope that it is dry tomorrow because I think Thane and Vinny are going to set up our tent for a test run in preparation for next weekend! :] We are so stoked about camping. Although, I am a little nervous about being a tad bit moody. I hate dirt and bugs and stuff. Haha. I'm a big baby. But I do love campfires and the "no worry" feeling of being away from home for a couple of nights. It will be fun.

Rowan is napping and Thane is taking his Accounting weekly quiz. Like an hour ago I was practically begging Rowan to be ready for his nap because I wanted to take one so bad. Now I'm wide awake.

Tomorrow we're going to Silver and Vinny's. I think that was made obvious by my opening statement. Whatever. We're going to have belgian waffles. Yum. Silver is such a good cook. I know Thane is in love with the food she makes. He's always talking about it on the way home every week. Haha.

Riley has been accident free since the day before yesterday. Yay. I have no idea what came over her, maybe she got spooked by something we did and she was being really, really submissive for awhile? I don't know. I mean, we don't "yell" at her or discipline her or anything, so if we did do something, it wasn't anything intentional or something that we were aware of. It was probably Rowan. Hahaha. I'm just going to be like Gracie and blame stuff on everyone else. :p

I can't wait until we get another vehicle! It's driving me insane. I'd also like our refund check(s) to come in soon. I want to go shopping. Haha.

Twenty-Five - "The L Word"

I think I may need to go back and watch "The L Word" all over again. Hahaha. Silver has been watching it lately and it's been making me want to reconnect with some of the characters. And stare at Shane all day. Haha.

Twenty-Four - Orientation

My orientation went okay. It was mostly boring, but I did get my schedule, which was important. Now I can let the day care know what it is and finish enrolling Rowan to attend this fall.

I will be going to school Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. My schedule is:

MWF:
9:10-10:05 Meteorology 101 in Park Hall
10:20-11:15 Practical English Grammar in the Campus Center
11:30-12:25 American Lit.: Beginning to the Civil War in the Campus Center (same room as my other CC class above)
12:25-1:50 Break
1:50-2:45 Shakespeare: An Introduction in Lanigan Hall

And then Monday & Wednesdays only:
3:00-4:20 Adolescent Psychology in Lanigan Hall

So not too bad for being one of the last groups of students to make their fall schedule. Since I'm technically a junior, next semester I should have no trouble getting classes that I want, when I want them. I am definitely going to try for Tuesdays and Thursdays next semester.

Rowan will be going to the day care program on Mondays and Wednesdays from 7:00am to 4:30pm. Thane doesn't work Fridays during the school year, so we only need two days of child care. Hopefully we can keep it that way until he needs to go more frequently because of preschool.

Student orientation leaders kept calling me "hun" and talking to me like I'm unexperienced in life or wouldn't understand things. Haha. I wanted to scream, "Leave me alone. I'm your elder!"

I only had one minor freak out during the whole thing. I had to eat lunch alone in the cafeteria. I was panicking. I didn't know what to get to eat and I couldn't see what everyone else was eating ahead of time because they were all seated in the cafeteria part and it's in another room than where you get your food. So I got a grilled ham and cheese sandwich, a salad, and pink lemonade. Turns out like every other (skinny) girl got fruit and salad. Sometimes I feel like people my size are supposed to be banned from eating in public. Since I can't even look people in the eye most of the time, I kept my head down and tried to see a spot where no one was out of the corner of my eye. I did and sat down before I realized it was in the back middle of the room, facing the entire room. That made me feel like everyone was looking at me and judging me. Then I was upset because I hadn't analyzed the entire area beforehand to see where I had to take my plate and tray when I was done. So I spent the entire time creating scenarios and plans for that while I ate. I was worried someone would sit near me and try and talk to me and then my poor communication/social skills would make me look like a rude bitch. Ha. Then I worried that if no one sat near me it just meant I was an even bigger loser than I thought. Whatever, I suck.

I can't even type a long entry because I have to get ready for my brother and sister-in-law to visit.

I hate how my anxiety makes me feel so drained. Like yesterday was a friggen marathon or something. Hi, it was just a normal day, calm down.

That's all for now, I suppose. I'll try and write more later today.

Twenty-Three - Earthquake

For future reference:

http://www.9wsyr.com/news/local/story/5-5-earthquake-reported-north-of-Ottawa-Canada/hjieiHHQUEC0Hc14sODVkQ.cspx

For present reference, just so everyone knows: natural disasters are one of my top fears. Like "I encounter this fear and I start acting silly" fears. Along with the dark, bugs, water, and anything bad happening to Rowan. My top 5. I want to vomit. Granted it wasn't even a big deal here... I still felt it. Thane didn't believe me. At first I thought it was Riley lying on the floor, touching the couch, and itching herself with her leg/foot. Then it got a little intense and I realized the whole house was moving and my computer screen was shaking. Thane and I were in the same room and he didn't feel it. Ha. The one thing I love about New York is that it is usually natural disaster, of any sort, free. I like that. I can't even handle thunderstorms.

Yuck. Call me a baby. Or say I'm overdramatic. I don't care. Just as long as it doesn't happen again.

Twenty-Two - Walmart Sucks

So we didn't get to get our camping stuff and our groceries. But at least we got our camping stuff! Haha. The reason why we didn't get to get groceries is because Walmart sucks and they put us through hell and gave me a panic attack, which then turned into a migraine quickly, so we had to go home. We bought $309.36 worth of camping stuff (some stuff is for our trip 4th of July weekend with Silver and Vinny and the rest is for when we go camping on our own.) so we're just about all set. When we were cashing out I told the lady I wanted to pay $9.36 with our debit and then put $300 on our Walmart credit card. She told me I had to do the debit first and told me to swipe my card. Then she tells me to hit "okay" on the screen and I was like, "This is just for the $9.36, right?" and she tells me yes. Ten seconds later she says, "Oh, it looks like it took it all off the debit. Is that okay?" NO, IT'S NOT OKAY, MORON. Instead, because I haven't lost my cool yet, I say, "Um, no, that's not okay. I have to put $300 on our credit card for a reason" so then she says she has to call someone over to help her. Another girl comes over and says she'll just void the order real quick, but that they'll have to re-ring the entire order. I tell her if that's the only option, fine, but that there's still a problem, we didn't have $309.36 in our bank account (we only had like $279 or something like that until Thane got paid today. Our bank is dumb and doesn't deny a debit transaction if there's insufficient funds. They just put you in the negative and then you owe that PLUS a $30 fee)! So I tell them that I need to speak to the manager because we are NOT going to eat that fee for Walmart's mistake. She tells me she'll go and speak with him after she voids the transaction and while we're ringing up the order again. THEN she can't void the order. She calls the manager on her walkie thing and he tells her it's because the order is too expensive and it can't be voided, but that it can be RETURNED. Then she tells me we'll have to take our two carts full and go to customer service where they have to scan everything to do a refund and then scan everything another time to ring it all back in. She says the money will go back on the card and we can repurchase everything. This is when I speak up, yet again (and Im getting quite angry by this point and can't even control my shaking because I'm a stable panicker) and say, "Excuse me, but when something is refunded to someone's card, even if it was a debit purchase, doesn't it take 3 business days to clear and be put back into a person's account?!" to which she tells me I am correct. UM HELLO. So I say, "I'm sorry, but I'm a little fucking lost as to what the fuck you expect us to do for three days without ANY money now, at all" So she calls her manager again. He says he will write up a report and allow us to get the money returned to us in cash, even though a transaction that high isn't normally refunded as cash, even when paid with a debit. I'm really just fed up at this point, so of course I'm just being a smart ass bitch and I say something like, "I don't know why you're lecturing me as if I'm LUCKY you're giving us this option. For you, there is no other option. You can't take someone's money unwillingly and then even THINK that you can keep it and put them out for three days because it's a policy, so just get it done please, we've wasted enough time already" So we had to go through and refund everything and were given $309.36 in cash. Then we paid $9.36 in cash, put $300 on the credit card and they took down my name and number so that if the bank does charge us a fee (which I'm 99% sure they will), they are going to pay the fee to the bank for us. They also gave us a $20 Walmart gift card. But that was totally not worth the 45 minutes we spent going through all this! By the time we were done Rowan was screaming and whining (he was bored and tired at this point) and I was just so fucking stressed that I started getting a migraine that got so bad by the time we got home that I had to go straight to bed and had dry heaves until I passed out. UGH UGH UGH. So now we have to go get groceries tonight after my orientation. So annoyed.

In other news, Thane's paycheck was still $45 less than it should be. Something is not right. The insurance is fucking everything up and we're just losing a shit ton of money. Every time he asks about it he gets an altered explanation. I just yelled at him and told him enough is enough. He has to put his foot down and demand a full explanation that makes SENSE. Man, I like caps lock today, huh?

Last night was Rowan's last t-ball game. He finally hit the ball! Willingly. Haha. But he refused to run the bases. Instead he ran after his ball. When the kids from the other team all ran after his ball too, he screamed/screeched so loud the kids all froze, so he ran and grabbed it. Then he ran to the back of the gym (they played indoors because of the rain) and played by himself with it. Haha. After t-ball we went to Ponderosa. That's where Rowan wanted to go, and since it was his last game we said why not. He loves that place. Haha. Like 10 minutes after getting there a little boy in the booth right next to us started screaming and crying. Rowan watched for a split second and then all of a sudden stood up in his seat and started yelling at the top of his lungs, "OH NO! DADDY DOOOO SOMETHING!!!!" and he kept screaming this over and over and over again, while POINTING at this other family. Thane was trying to explain to him that the little boy was misbehaving and it was okay, to pay attention to his own food. I could do nothing except put my napkin over my face because I was laughing so hysterically. I laughed so hard I cried up a storm and then for the rest of the time the other family was there the father glared at me. Hahaha.

I slept awful last night. I was awake from about 2am until 415ish. I think I was subconsciously having anxiety issues over my orientation that's later today. I suck.

Twenty-One - Somewhat Eventful Day

The second half of today is going to be busy. Rowan's last day of t-ball is today. It's the "world series" Haha. We have to bring a snack for everyone. Kids like Chex mix, right? After his game we're taking Rowan out for some pizza at Enzo's. We haven't had a pizza from there in forever. It used to be our favorite when we lived in Oswego. We decided that after the game and pizza we're going to make a late night of it and go grocery shopping AND camping shopping. I hope we have enough room in the car for all of it. Ha. We'll probably get home around 10:00 I imagine. But that means we don't have to do it tomorrow after I get back from my first day of orientation, and Thane can get a lot of school work done. I only have orientation from oneish tomorrow until... I don't know when actually. Thursday I have to be there at 7:30am and I will be finished at 4. My mom is going to take Thursday off to watch Rowan and I'll have to ride into work with Thane.

Riley peed on the carpet today. I do not get her. She has been potty trained, indoor and outdoor for a long, long time. I can understand one accident. But in the past two weeks I'd say she's done it 8 times! She's like afraid to go on her pads and afraid to tell me she wants to go out. If I take her out, she'll hold it and trick me into thinking she's fine, doesn't have to go. Then we'll come in and she'll either piss right on the carpet while I'm in the kitchen getting Rowan food or doing something with him where I'm not in the living room or she'll even do it right in front of me! She'll squat, stare right at me, and pee! I don't even know what to do to stop this, or why it began. We're definitely going to have to get a new rug now. We were planning on it anyway, but it just sucks that she's ruining this one.

Blah.

Twenty - Something Needs To Change

How is it that I always manage to avoid how big I am? It's getting ridiculous. Like I look down at parts of my body, say some simple part, like my wrist. And then I see my wrist in a picture and I'm like, "Oh, okay swollen, disgusting mess, cool." Something needs to change. I've tried. I really have. I've tried diets, exercise, fasting (which I know is unhealthy and ineffective in the long run), signing up on internet sites, etc. Blah blah blah. Every time I go to count calories I'm always under the "diet" suggestions. I really don't eat that much. I've been the same weight for a long time. I just don't know how to get it off. I don't have the time or money for the gym. Not to mention I can't even get myself to go somewhere like that without freaking out. I know I should be doing a lot more exercising at home and that there's lots to do in my own home, I just really don't know HOW to exercise. Like, the right way. I know that's pathetic. But it's true. Before I got sick I never had to worry about my weight or eating. I know that if I can just lose it, it will stay gone.

Okay. I'm done being a baby now.

Nineteen - Father's Day 2010

Today we spent the afternoon and Silver and Vinny's. We had a great time, like always. Rowan and I made Thane a father's day card. It was a "D" with arms, legs, googly eyes and monster teethies. Haha. We also bought him a headset for his xbox, so now he and Vinny can talk to each other while playing video games. I thought it might put a stop to Vinny calling late all the time. Nope. Haha. I'm kidding. It doesn't bother me. I swear, though, the guys crack me up. The other day Vinny put Thane on speaker phone and then talked to him while he was in the shower! Hahahaha.

Today was also Silver's sister, Karina's birthday, so I made cupcakes. I got to meet her parents and both of her sisters. She has a really nice family. Their teasing banter is cute and it was nice to see a family cooking together and then just being together, happily. My family gets together a lot for holidays, but not very often "just because". I can't get my mom to come over here and hang out. It's frustrating sometimes.

I really can't say enough how much I adore The Rosato family. Gracie asked me today if I loved her and I said yes. Then when we left she said "I love youuuu", even though she likes to call me every name in the book besides my own. Haha. Madalyn gave me kissies and brushed my hair. Rowan and Gracie didn't even fight today! Rowan fell asleep on the car ride home so we put him in bed. After 15 minutes we heard him crying really hard. "Madalyn and Gracie!!" Thane went in there and was like, "What's wrong, Buddy?" and he said, "Where's my Madalyn and Gracie? I need them" and it was so cute. My heart hurt a little bit. He really does love having them as friends.

This coming Wednesday and Thursday I have my school orientation. I'm sort of annoyed that they're actually making me attend the whole thing. It's silly. I'm 26 years old. I'm not going to befriend some high school senior/incoming freshman. I just want to meet my advisor, get all the last minute details straightened out and get my schedule. Not do workshops in which I have to introduce myself and play some childish game. Ha.

I'm downloading an 80's movie pack. It has like 50 movies in it and is 57 gigs. Holy. I can't believe how many I have never even seen! I'm super excited. Haha.

Eighteen - Spiders & Toy Story 3

I slept okay last night. Probably better than I have in quite a few days. Ever since my bad nightmare. I was starting to get back on track, but then after the spider incident, I've been so creeped out everywhere I go in the house. A couple of days ago I was in Rowan's room and I was taking care of his laundry. I looked up and saw this black shadow on the curtain and I went to grab at it, certain that it was a piece of candy or other sticky food Rowan had wiped on it. As I pulled the curtain apart, I heard this awful "crackling" sound and when I turned it around to see the back of it, I saw that I had broken open a spider nest! I just got shivers. The momma spider freaked out and reared up at me, flailing her legs. She was pretty big. It took me a long time to kill her and then I sprayed the nest (because some of the babies were alive!) with some perfume. In the middle of all of this I took a bathroom break to puke. Haha. I'm afraid of everything! Then as I was straightening out the other curtain, I spotted another one! I didn't disturb it and made Thane take care of that one when he got home. We had to go around and check all the curtains, windows, everywhere. I was paranoid we were being infested. Poor Rowan, I'm glad I found them before they hatched. OMG, ew.

We're going to take Rowan to the drive-in tonight to see Toy Story 3. It's all he's been talking about. Thane told him on Monday about going, so he's been impatient. Then last night he wouldn't go to bed, so Thane was like "Rowan, you have to be a good boy and go to sleep because tomorrow is Toy Story 3 day", so of course Rowan was all like, "Okay!!!" Haha. He woke up this morning and said we had to go and I asked him where and he said, "Toy Story 3, Mommy. Daddy said so!" so now I've finally gotten him to understand that we have to wait for Daddy to come home.

I thought I wanted to write more, but I've taken a few breaks from writing this, and now I just want to give up. Haha.

Seventeen - Lately

Thane and I have been hanging out with Silver and Vinny quite a bit. We really, really like them. I'm glad Thane and Vinny get along so well. Thane needed a real friend. Another family guy. A guy who works hard, is nice, and funny, and into things that he is into. They like each other so much that they called and talked to each other at 6am this morning. Hahaha.

Rowan really loves Gracie and Madalyn. He always asks to see them and talks about them when they're not around.

We're going to be going camping with them soon, for the weekend of July 4th. It's going to be so much fun. I'm excited because A. we'll be getting away from home and B. we'll get to spend all day with the four of them and then they'll be there when we wake back up in the morning. Haha. I love them.

Seriously, I have no idea how Silver and I haven't been friends before. She's a really amazing girl. (Quick sidenote: I've always hated calling females "woman" or "lady" if they're my age. I mean, I know we're adults now and keep getting older, but I refer to myself as "girl" and I like everyone else to be too. Whatever) Anyway, it's kind of nice to be friends now, because now she's an "adult friend". A real friend. Like I feel like we could be real friends for a long time and that's nice because I have been needed an adult friend. Make sense? I don't know.

I changed the living room around today. It took me 3 and a half hours. Haha. Our furniture is heavy! Plus Rowan was being a terror. I hope Thane will be suprised. :]

Sixteen - Wake Up and Realize

Talking with someone recently has opened up my eyes to a lot of things. Not that they were closed, but I could feel them getting to that point. I could feel myself losing myself again. It's silly. I know who I am. I know my flaws, my strengths, my quirks, my morals, my likes and dislikes. Yet sometimes I hide them, or blur them, alter them a little. I'm not perfect, but here's something I have over a lot of others: I know what really makes me who I am. I'm okay with laying it all on the table, and if I'm not good enough for someone to care about or be interested in, then that's okay. I have a lot of qualities that a lot of people find weird. I have anxiety. I stress. But I know how to manage it and all I can do is live life the way that works for me.

These messages back and forth and a possible future real friendship is something nice to look forward to. I'm getting to know someone who has a lot in common with me, but is also different. The things we have in common are the important things. The things we feel hold us back from being good friends with people.

I don't know how to explain it, but I don't necessarily need to. It's just nice to feel relieved that another human being can relate to what you thought made you an outsider.

Fifteen - Teddy Tedholm Will Win SYTYCD

I'm not sure if I can download a video from YouTube, so instead I'll just be lazy and supply you with the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cw_-SpSGxW8&feature=related

This boy is brilliant.

There have only been one or two times where I have watched someone dance and let myself getting completely lost and immersed in the performance to the point where I find myself making up my own story about the dance. This was one of them.

The dance to me represented a young man preparing for a funeral. He's partly in denial, he's nervous and distraught, he doesn't want this to be happening. He's all dressed up and ready, but before he can walk out the door he rebels against leaving and attending this funeral. He rips off his jacket, loosens his tie, in a way that says "you can't make me if I don't wanna/I'm not ready." Then the young man fights with himself. He beats himself up over what he's been trying to prepare himself for, he has fits of hysteria and battles with his grieving. Finally, defeated, he falls to the floor. He grabs his jacket, because he knows what he has to do, that he has no choice, and he knows there's no use fighting it.

So so so so moving.

Fourteen - Memorial Day Weekend

I think this was the first memorial day weekend that we didn't attend one cook out or BBQ! No one in my family wanted to/could get together. So we were expecting to just sit at home, board, and hungry for yummy family picnic food. This is essentially what ended up happening, but with a couple of activities throughout the weekend. Thane had a three day weekend. Normally he works most holidays and then banks the hours for a later day off of our choice, but this time his work made all of the employees to take the day off. No big deal.

So Friday night we took Rowan to watch the fireworks over the lake here in town. He loved them. He kept saying there was "booming in the sky". Saturday morning we got up and walked to the parade. Rowan wasn't as interested in it as he was last year. There was a lot of "boring" stuff this year and I think he's just at that age where things need to be "exciting!". About halfway through we decided to abandon ship and walked to the war memorial where they were serving food. I got a grilled burger and homemade fries while Thane got a grilled chicken dinner with salt potatoes and Rowan had a hot dog and shared my fries. So we sort of got our cookout food (though it still wasn't as yummy as it would have been had my family done it). We didn't have any cash on us and there was no ATM machine close by, so Rowan wasn't able to ride any of the rides at the carnival set up behind the war memorial. We thought maybe we'd bring him back on Sunday to ride some, but he forgot all about it and that was fine with us.

Other than that we spend a lot of time in the backyard. We got Rowan a big plastic pool and filled that up for him. He really loved that.

I got my new camera lens in the mail on Friday! I experimented with it and took some pictures of the fireworks, parade, and Rowan playing in his pool. I'll make another post with pictures in the next couple of days after I sort through them all.

Thane's classes start tomorrow. That means I have to start helping cook meals. Haha. I just hate cooking! Thane is good at it and he likes to cook, so we've just fallen into a pattern where he's the cook. We get picked on all the time for it, but whatever. Who says women have to cook? Dumb.

Thane has a dentist appointment this afternoon. Then when he gets home we're heading to Rowan's first t-ball night. I hope he likes it. He'll be the boy who stands on the field singing/dancing/doing anything but paying attention to the game. I know it. Haha.

Thirteen - Silly Rowan

Rowan just bolted straight up out of a deep sleep nap, spread his arms wide in the air with his fingers splayed out and stretched apart and said in an exasperated, panicked tone, "DID YOU HEAR ME MOMMY?! I SAID I HAD TO JUMP OVER THE MUD!!" Then he flopped right back down and was instantly out again, only to jump up 30 seconds later screaming, "OH! DADDY'S GOT THE LAWN MOWER?". After professing his excitement over this, he scrambled up and in his still not yet awake daze, tried running as fast as he could across the couch to the window, where he tripped and hit his face on the arm of the couch.

I have never laughed so violently, ever.

Twelve - Mr. & Mrs. Charles James

Eleven - Not Wanting to Give Up

See? I'm slacking off here already. I really don't want to give up on this. I could feel myself starting to. I'd sit down to write and I'd tell myself something like, "Meh, it's not important, you can always update later."

Anyway, the wedding was nice. More than nice really. It was gorgeous. Denise, the bride made all the decorations herself. They were unique, tasteful, and classy. She did things like cutting up tissue paper circles and circles cut out of dictionary pages as her "confetti" to throw at them when they walk back down the aisle. She also created these hanging flower poms that hung from strings all behind where they were married (it was in their backyard). Oh! I think my favorite was where she took pictures of her and Chuck and attached them to twine that she roped around, from the ground up, on a tree in the yard. So cute and creative. I wish my new camera lens had arrived in the mail so that I could have taken some really good pictures. :[ Oh well. The reception was nice too. It was in a local cafe/coffee shop. Very, very nice. Besides Juanita, Connie, and Abi being there, but that's a different story.

We have our meeting with the special education committee next Thursday, June 3rd at 10:40am. I'm nervous. What if they don't approve him for receiving special education? I'm still trying to understand how they can even turn children away when they're evaluated and deemed in need of help. I know it comes down to money and funding. But by denying a child who needs help, what does that mean for them? For their future? I just don't want to be in that boat.

Hoping to set up Rowan's pool this weekend. Thane has a three day weekend. Normally he just works his holidays and banks the hours, but they're making all the employees take this one off. We're not complaining, 3 day weekends are nice. It just would have been nice to be able to save the time towards taking our possible trip to Harrisburg, PA in August.

I'm going to go see about uploading some pictures from the wedding now.

Ten - Grandpa Dennison's Birthday

Today is a busy day. I don't have much time at all to write. I have housework to do before Jenn comes over. Then later when Thane gets home we have to get ready to go to a family get together. My Grandpa Dennison's birthday is today and we're going to their house for dinner and dessert. He turns 82 today! He's an amazing man.

Last night was the Grey's finale and I wanted to die. So so so so sooooo sad/shocking/scary.

Thane, Rowan, and I might be taking a little trip to Harrisburg, PA in August. It's one of the places on our potential future relocation list. We're thinking of going for 3 nights, 4 days. If we do we're going to stay in the Hilton that's right in the middle of downtown, 2 blocks from the river, and within walking distance to the pedestrian bridge that will take us to City Island! We want to make sure we experience it the right way, so we would know for sure whether we'd like to live there. If it makes the cut, we'd like to move there and rent a condo in the heart of downtown, maybe even on "restaurant row" (hehe, I'm learning the local lingo). The major downfalls on paper for Harrisburg are that it is far from the ocean (3 hours?) and we wanted to live closer to the coast, and it is also far from NYC (3.5 hours?) and we wanted to be within commute (less than 2 hours) to the city. :/ But if this place is as nice as what we've researched about it, it might be worth it. Three and three and a half hours is still a lot closer than we are now.

Sunday we have Jenn's graduation to attend in Auburn and then a wedding Sunday evening in Fairport/Rochester. Geez travel! It's going to be a longgggg day.

Nine - Wedding Cheesers

I looove Thane's cheese face in this picture.

(I just pulled this from my Facebook, so the quality is probably poor.)

Eight - Good Morning

I've updated my profile on here. Added my interests (though I need to update it with real interests), books, movies, all that stuff. I'm trying to stay away from Facebook today. Thane and I didn't watch the Idol results yet and someone always posts a status about it and spoils it, so I'm trying to avoid that. Lame. Haha.

Yesterday, after Rowan's evaluation, we went to Daddy Ed's in Mexico. Love, love, LOVE that place. Their french toast is seriously the best around. Nick and Jenn got ahold of us and wanted to hang out, so we made plans with them for mid afternoon when Jenn was finished with a meeting. Around 3, the four of us took Rowan to the bounce house at the mall. He loves it there. We do too! It's only $5 for an hour or $6 for two and you only pay for your children. This time there was a boy for him to pal around with and a little girl who wouldn't stop giving him hugs. Too cute. After our hour was up we headed home and made cheeseburgers for dinner. We capped the evening off with a game of Balderdash. I won because I'm awesome, duh.

I need some new books to read. Well, I just ordered four new ones, but I fear that I'll be disappointed with them. See, about a year ago I had a streak of good finds where I read some of my current favorite books. Now I'm in a rut. I like thrillers. Not those awful Dean Koontz (Admittedly, I have liked a book or two of his) or James Patterson novels. More like psychological thrillers, disturbing family drama. Orrrr I like stories about families whose children are kidnapped, or murdered, or where one parent goes crazy and ruins everyone's lives. Hahaha. I can't help it. I like suspense and emotion both, and these types of stories seem to house the perfect balance. The author also have to be intellectual, philosophical. The words have to move me or catch me. Make me think. Every time I go to Amazon and look up a book, the other recommended books listed on that book's page are all books I already own! Haha. I have so many books. I'm thinking about purchasing a Kindle sometime, but I kind of like my large library of books. Ha.

Anyway, Rowan is finished with breakfast, so I'm going to go play "Iron man" with him.

Seven - Evaluation

Rowan's evaluation this morning went well. He was such a good boy! The ladies loved him and were impressed with his musical talents. It's nice to see we're not the only ones who notice it. After going through a series of tests and questions, mixed in with some playtime, they are recommending that he receive both occupational therapy and speech therapy. Some areas he tested right at the appropriate age level and others, obviously, he rated below average. Then there were a couple of areas where he devoured the scoring system. Haha. At one point he was displaying behavior equal to that of a child aged 4 years and 11 months. Wow! He just turned 3 two months ago. So hopefully we will be able to get him some help for the areas in which he has a delay and eventually he will not only catch up, but then surpass other kids, because come on, he's perfect. :] Our next step is to wait and hear from the Fulton City School District Committee for Special Education. They will make time for a meeting, in which we should attend. During the meeting they will determine whether they want to approve a tutor for Rowan. While there, we will be able to stand up and speak on Rowan's behalf to try and convince them to let us get help for him. I'm nervous about that. At any rate though, today's results gave us both some relief and some knowledge as to what we can expect to happen.

Six - Long Walk to Job Site

Yesterday we took a walk across the bridge to the other side of the river and through the city to see Grandpa and Uncle Nick at work on the crane.

Crane.

Rowan did not want to sit in the crane.

My baby brother at work.

Nick on the job. He's an iron worker.

Five - Riley Jane

Riley Jane. She'll be 1 year old in July of this year.

Four - Sign

A day in Oswego with my sister-in-law, Jenn. Sign near the hospital.

Three - May 2010 Pictures of Rowan

My little bean. Heart.

Rowan enjoys showing off his belly.

Let's ignore the fact that he's grabbing himself. Haha.

Rowan taking a pretend picture of Mommy.

He definitely thinks he's an adult.

Two - Stress & The Future

So I gave up my first attempt at this, which means I can't promise any commitment to this next go at it. I also gave up job hunting. Instead I applied to, and got accepted into SUNY Oswego, where I will start in the fall. I will be going to finish my bachelor's degree in Adolescence Education, English. A lot of other things have happened. I've been really stressful lately. I know it's only temporary, but there's always that chance that it's not. Things really could go wrong and stay wrong. Why not? It happens. Right now we're facing a furlough that would affect Thane's job, thus in turn affecting the whole family/household. He already lost his raise because of the economy. We were denied health insurance through a state program (that we qualified for based on income guidelines) because Thane is a state employee. Now we pay $180 a month just to belong to an insurance plan, instead of the $50 we were paying. Rowan has an evaluation tomorrow morning. He may need speech therapy at the least. I'm trying to keep my head up, I am. I just have days.

One of the things that has us still clinging to and believing in hope is that our financial aid awards are ridiculous. They're generous and we expect about a $22k-24k refund for the 2010-11 school year. That's from both Thane and I going to school. Some of it is loan money we are borrowing from the government, but we'll do what we feel we need to do to make it to this next level. Everyone is in debt. It's part of the American way. If Thane graduates before I do with his degree in Hotel and Restaurant Management, he'll search for a job to get his feet wet in around here while I finish up. After I graduate, we are getting out of here. We mean it this time. We have a list of places we would like to visit and explore. Potential new hometowns. Places with thriving streets/communities. With shops and restaurants galore. With live music and excellent school systems. We can do this.

Now, what will keep me motivated to update this? I have a wonderful husband with whom I share every single thought with, a beautiful, perfect little boy who fills up my days with laughter and kisses. How am I so uninspired, in this sense? Maybe if I start simple? Update with a little bit every day? Maybe a picture and a few words? We'll see. I'd love to stick to this.